The Topics of Pre Marriage Counseling
Foundations of premarital counseling should include leading the couple in discussion of what is love and what is covenant. It is important to ask questions on what the couple believes. This is the ground  in which you can enforce and create the biblical boundaries that love covenants call for.
 
Love Covenant
Marriage is not an opportunity to become the center of attention in a ceremony. Marriage is not a status symbol nor something a woman or man be demanded to do. Marriage is the intention of two people to commit their lives and create an environment that promotes each member to become more in the image of God.  Covenant is something that holds the family together when life seems to fall apart. Covenant is sealing our intent to a direct path to God and to live for him. Covenant holds us and our faith when we can’t hold it ourselves. A love covenant is state of being a family enters to be govern by the conditions of God’s own love and to emulate it to each other and to the world.  Love covenant is based on accepting God’s authority and creating boundaries that respect and protect one another.
 
Submission
God created woman as a suitable helper (ezer//עֵ֫זֶר) for Adam. This word, helper in the English language has caused us to infer the meaning of helper as subservient. It is important to note that the word God uses “helper” is the same word that is used in Psalm 70:5 “ But I am poor and needy: make haste unto me, O God: thou art my help and my deliverer; O Lord, make no tarrying” It is certain that God is not our lesser, helper right? This is important to keep in mind as we understand the biblical role of submission. Without a healthy view of submission, we will be in competition with each other and won’t have unity needed to foster love, respect and vibrant mental and spiritual growth.  Submission is the “emptying of oneself as Jesus did when he took on the form of a servant.” If we are constantly asking internally, am I making this about me? Am I only considering my needs or wants? Then submission becomes a catalyst for a healthy marriage.
 
Past
Anytime a couple desires to marry, it is always good to give their past an opportunity to be aired out. Whether it is intentionally or not, our family of origin’s socioculturally conditioning has already taught us the “rules” of mariatal roles. We often don’t discover them until its too late or in a middle of a complicated conflict. I believe the role of genograms and getting the couple to talk about their past is important in premarital counseling.
Present
An engaged couple are oftentimes naïve and ideological. They haven’t yet or are shy about bringing up issues or discussions that could be contentious. It is important that each couple be lead in discussing roles, finances, how often they want to have sex, how to make decisions, etc. It is important the couple be lead, entering the marriage sober minded.
Future
It is also important for the couple to be lead on developing a mission statement and  goals for the future. Couples are dreamy and often hold ideological views without tangible plans. Waiting until being married to develop these statements and goals for the future can cause dangerous tension in a marriage.
 
Money
It is wise to counsel the way the couple decides to view finances in an entirely specific session. The couple should be questioned on how they have handled money in the past and how the intend to merge their finances together. They should also include intentional statements and goals they would like to make for their financial future and take the steps necessary.
 
Handling the Star Crossed Lovers
 
I believe any couple that thinks that their situation or their love is “stronger than any others” and do not need to follow the advice of a marriage counselor should be a red flag. 
Couples that refuse to partake in submitting to wise counsel will definatly refuse to submit to one another. I do believe as a counselor or pastor doing the premarital counseling should in love, confront a star crossed lover of this reality. It is important to encourage them in understanding what a love covenant is and how to maintain it.
 
It is very important that as a new couple embarks on a love covenant that they show the appropriate level of maturity. Marriage was the first commission of creation given to humans by God and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Marriage has a powerful potential to creating the next generation of people in the image of God. Pre-marital counseling is a must and will help the couple prepare for an effective and lasting marriage. ​

The Bible is a mine, not a museum. Don’t just come to look and see, but dig, explore and take home some treasure. – Jon Bloom, IHOPKC



Adam & Eve
Abraham & Sarah
David
Eli

​
The list goes on… The Bible is truly an inspiration and living, breathing collection of scripture to help us in our growth as people and as parents. It contains both ideological perfection and a collection of frail humanity.  It is from the accounts of people, living in relationship, that we draw principles and “nuggets” to guide our lives. There are many examples of failed parents in the scriptures that we can learn from.
Balswick offers important insight in our pursuit to become excellent parents: “Although our motive of discovering hard-and-fast rules for household life is understandable, a “problem arises here when we try to make the household codes into timeless rules which can be simply transposed across time to the present day without addition or subtraction.[1]”  The scriptures give us many examples of parents who failed.  It was what we learn from what they do and don’t do that help us. But more importantly, it is always to be interpreted inductively and metaphorically in our relationship to God.
There are three Old Testament parents that stick out in my mind: Adam & Eve, Jacob & Leah.
Adam &  Eve
We know the story well. We are even now experiencing the effects of their mistakes. Not only did Adam and Eve commit the original sin, they did very little to maintain a righteous posterity.  As we read in the Genesis 4 account, Adam and Eve are now moving on, living a life under the curse.  At the birth of Cain, Eve begins to give the glory to God by declaring her son was a gift from God. Her hope of salvation was eager at best. We see her ferverency for “incarnation” by her teaching of sacrifice and worship to their sons, Cain and Abel. However, we also see Adam’s chronic, sinful condition: failure to take ownership for his sin.
The fruit of lack of perpetual righteousness and lack of discipline for bringing our faults unto the altar of the Lord take hold of Cain. Cain, being the first born of creation, carried the “first born” complex to always be the best. He was spoken over by his mother as “gift from God” but without his father’s example of modeling humility and seeking to be transformed from his old ways, Cain worshipped God from the flesh. When God disapproved of his sacrifice, Cain instead of taking ownership, confessing his sin and seeking to make changes to his attitude and behavior, he killed Abel. The first murder of human existence was due to a lack of commitment to the sanctification process.
The takeaway from all this? We have sin in our lives that need more attention and tending to other than  a one time after the sermon experience. We are in constant need of our spouse, our church family and quality time listening to the Holy Spirit to see what chronic, sinful conditions we are struggling with.
Jacob & Leah
Jacob, a grandson of a famous “Hall of Faith-er,”  Abraham,  had to deal with chronic sin of his own. The generational sin of Abraham’s decision to allow his wife (who lacked faith and wanted to force God’s plan in her own strength) to push him to commit a sexual sin that common to the cultural practices of the world, had a profound influence on  not only his immediate life, but effect his own generation.  Jacob’s own father, Isaac, was a weak character and father. He was lost in his own grief that his wife Rebekah felt the need to “pick up the slack.” She favored her son Jacob and used deception to force God’s plan.
Jacob, having a weak example for a father and possessing only the skills of a manipulator, failed short with his dealings with Leah and Rachel. Jacob was tricked into marrying Leah but should have known better than to just use her and ignore her. Leah, naturally, would have felt victimized. I can only imagine the struggle to deal with a position of not being wanted nor preferred.
Two different stories, same similar root problem… parents fail for lack of addressing sin in their lives. This problem can and will affect our children and breed a culture of generational sin. We need to deal with guilt, shame, condemnation, our insecurities and shortcomings area definite reality for being human. However, what is the greater definite is the grace and mercy of God.
Moving towards Godly Parenting
Prayer is not on option, it’s a must. Our communication with our heavenly Father and source of life must be constant and the practice nurtured. We need to constantly search ourselves and seek out barriers within us that prevent our vital communion with our Lord.
Partnership is also a very important aspect of our parenting. Our spouse is a great resource to us for prayer, support and feedback. Gaining skills in confronting one another in a godly way will help us see an honest picture of ourselves. Many times in effort to move forward in life, we have a tendency to gloss over our shortcomings. Our shortcomings have a way, however, to keep us grounded, authentic and in touch with reality. It is our tendency to hide like Adam when we struggle with sin or chronic character flaws but it is our need for salvation that we need to run to God and allow those sensitive realities be groomed by the life giving flow of the Holy Spirit.
The Bible has the distinct ability to allow us to find "gems" of knowledge through both good examples and poor ones. The Bible isn't merely a museum of "good" examples and the good way we should live. It also shows us that mercy and grace will give us the ability to confront our weaknesses as parents and be transformed into more Christ-likeness. The key then is to explore, to dig and through the various narratives. It is through our digging through them and taking home treasures that help us make decisions in our relationships with others. 


[1] Balswick, J. O., & Balswick, J. K. (2007). The family: A Christian perspective on the contemporary home. Grand Rapids, Mich: Baker Academic.