The Church as a Living System
The Church: The Family of God. This is a concept that is promoted generally throughout Christianity as the central theme for the gathering of believers sharing a common purpose through God’s will. Gathering its source foundation from the Bible, the Church, regardless of denominational affiliation, or lack thereof, presents itself both as the Body of Christ and the Family of God.
If the Church is, indeed, the Family of God, it is only natural to assume that its function will operate similar to that of a natural family with all its dynamics. While there are a few who believe that the Church is an organization like any other such entity, and should be operated accordingly, the Apostle Paul is quite clear that we are all related to one another through the “adoption of sons” (and daughters) (Ephesians 1:5), through the power of the Holy Spirit “by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father”(Romans 8:23).
Those who would claim the Church is a mere business, which should operate under such a structure, look at the idea that bills must be paid and a framework of organization outlining the responsibilities of the individuals involved must be put into place. While this is true, such responsibility and operation are also at work, although mostly unwritten, within the family.
Local, State and IRS regulations as well as the way the Church relates to other businesses require that they have a structural façade that resembles a business, but most families also operate within contracts related to mortgages, utilities, operational loans and so forth.
The key difference between the Church and any other business is what Jesus promoted throughout His ministry. The people of God are connected on a much higher plane than contractual obligation. And while some businesses have those within them working together on a much more personal level than others, there is still the fact that when the business terminates the persons associated with the business have no further need for interaction except for the personal friendships they have developed. Likewise, when the business is successful, the profit margins determine the further direction of the company and expansion.
The Family of God, as I have stated, is connected in a manner that more closely resembles family. While it is the option of those within a congregation to attend a particular assembly, as Christians we are part of a larger connection through God Himself. He is our Heavenly Father. Jesus stated, when approached by the fact this His mother and brothers were standing outside wanting to speak with Him, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” The Bible then quotes Him as saying, as He stretch out His arms toward His disciples and followers, “Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:48-50 NKJV)
Truly, the Church is more than family. It is the Body of Christ. We are all parts of the whole. Christ is the Head of the Church. Each of the Body’s members has a function to bring completeness to the entirety of the group. None is exclusive of the other, nor can healthy movement be obtained when one acts separate from the remainder.
Into this comes the fact that each one within the whole is individual and brings his/her own special talents, treasure and personality to the mix. This is where the Church operates as a family. Even within the roles and functions each plays, there is a diversity of abilities and psychological construct. Just as no two fathers on this planet are the same in experiences and approaches, no two pastors have the exact same way of conducting themselves within the congregation, nor are any others exact within their roles.
Family Systems Theory addresses the concerns of a family in operation. It addresses the familial history of each person within the family and analyzes their personalities and the way they interact with one another. As there are dysfunctional families, so there are dysfunctional churches. Many of the areas addressed in Family Systems Theory, and the resulting therapeutic approaches, may also be applied to the Family of God.
In succeeding articles I will be dealing with some of the areas of Family Systems Theory and how they apply to the Church. To give a beginning area of consideration, there are questions which may be asked related to a local congregational family.
Who is/are the true decision maker(s)?
How does the congregation interact with each other?
Are there factions within the whole?
Does each person realize their place of acceptance and know the value they hold within
the “Family”?
Does the congregation understand its unique place among their denomination/other
congregations?
As you ponder these questions, remember that you have a very special place in this family, and God is ready to see you and yours take that place in His service.
If the Church is, indeed, the Family of God, it is only natural to assume that its function will operate similar to that of a natural family with all its dynamics. While there are a few who believe that the Church is an organization like any other such entity, and should be operated accordingly, the Apostle Paul is quite clear that we are all related to one another through the “adoption of sons” (and daughters) (Ephesians 1:5), through the power of the Holy Spirit “by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father”(Romans 8:23).
Those who would claim the Church is a mere business, which should operate under such a structure, look at the idea that bills must be paid and a framework of organization outlining the responsibilities of the individuals involved must be put into place. While this is true, such responsibility and operation are also at work, although mostly unwritten, within the family.
Local, State and IRS regulations as well as the way the Church relates to other businesses require that they have a structural façade that resembles a business, but most families also operate within contracts related to mortgages, utilities, operational loans and so forth.
The key difference between the Church and any other business is what Jesus promoted throughout His ministry. The people of God are connected on a much higher plane than contractual obligation. And while some businesses have those within them working together on a much more personal level than others, there is still the fact that when the business terminates the persons associated with the business have no further need for interaction except for the personal friendships they have developed. Likewise, when the business is successful, the profit margins determine the further direction of the company and expansion.
The Family of God, as I have stated, is connected in a manner that more closely resembles family. While it is the option of those within a congregation to attend a particular assembly, as Christians we are part of a larger connection through God Himself. He is our Heavenly Father. Jesus stated, when approached by the fact this His mother and brothers were standing outside wanting to speak with Him, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” The Bible then quotes Him as saying, as He stretch out His arms toward His disciples and followers, “Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:48-50 NKJV)
Truly, the Church is more than family. It is the Body of Christ. We are all parts of the whole. Christ is the Head of the Church. Each of the Body’s members has a function to bring completeness to the entirety of the group. None is exclusive of the other, nor can healthy movement be obtained when one acts separate from the remainder.
Into this comes the fact that each one within the whole is individual and brings his/her own special talents, treasure and personality to the mix. This is where the Church operates as a family. Even within the roles and functions each plays, there is a diversity of abilities and psychological construct. Just as no two fathers on this planet are the same in experiences and approaches, no two pastors have the exact same way of conducting themselves within the congregation, nor are any others exact within their roles.
Family Systems Theory addresses the concerns of a family in operation. It addresses the familial history of each person within the family and analyzes their personalities and the way they interact with one another. As there are dysfunctional families, so there are dysfunctional churches. Many of the areas addressed in Family Systems Theory, and the resulting therapeutic approaches, may also be applied to the Family of God.
In succeeding articles I will be dealing with some of the areas of Family Systems Theory and how they apply to the Church. To give a beginning area of consideration, there are questions which may be asked related to a local congregational family.
Who is/are the true decision maker(s)?
How does the congregation interact with each other?
Are there factions within the whole?
Does each person realize their place of acceptance and know the value they hold within
the “Family”?
Does the congregation understand its unique place among their denomination/other
congregations?
As you ponder these questions, remember that you have a very special place in this family, and God is ready to see you and yours take that place in His service.
Churches as Family Systems
Triangulation
By Rex Louth
February 26, 2015
Triangulation
By Rex Louth
February 26, 2015
Family Systems Theory is a concept which directly relates to the Church as the Family of God. FST is based on the concept that each family has a unique structure in which it functions based on the psychological makeup of the individuals who are a part. Each person has a psychological profile which has been, and is being, determined by their environment, past and present, and their future outlook. This theory provides a basis on which actual actions and reactions are analyzed, and gives a platform for each family member to truly be heard and hear from others.
One of the concepts of Family Systems Therapy is that of triangulation. Triangulation is the manner in which one person, or a group of persons, interacts indirectly with another person or group through a third person or group. Simply put, since one member of the family does not feel comfortable approaching another member they speak to them through someone else.
An exaggerated example of triangulation is that portrayed in movies and sitcoms when a family is gathered around the dinner table and Dad and Mom are angry with each other. While being unwilling to talk directly to each other, they conduct a conversation through the child/children around the table. It is shown something like this:
Child – “Why are you two not talking to each other?”
Mom – “Your father still hasn’t apologized for what he said this morning.”
Dad– “Your mother has no reason to be angry with me for what I said, since I was only speaking the truth.”
Mom – “You can tell your father than he needs to be more understanding and not be so mean about what he is saying.”
Etc. etc. etc.
While the idea of triangulation is not so direct as presented above, it is prevalent within many families where one person is struggling to have a voice. Many times it is the children who are utilized to pass a message on between father and mother. However, it may also be used in connection with a child wanting to say something to the other parent that they do not feel comfortable directly telling them.
Sometimes triangulation takes another form in the attempt to bring the third party into the conversation to gain an ally in the process of the family. This may be a son/daughter trying to gather the allegiance of one parent in getting an answer they want from the other. The daughter that knows her dad does not want her going to an event at the school with a young man may talk to her mother and attempt to get her to convince the dad that she should be allowed to go.
Regardless of the message being conveyed, it is not being conveyed to the party it should be, but instead going through someone else. With this in mind, it becomes clear how such an approach to relationship is applied to the Church.
All congregations face the difficult task of conducting relationship. With all of the families represented in one group one can understand how the facets of Family Systems Theory are exponentially increased within the Family of God. In addition to all the different dynamics of each individual family comes the necessity for those groups to have a relationship to all the others, both individually and collectively.
Triangulation has divided many congregations throughout the centuries since those first groups began to meet together. The Apostle Paul dealt with this circumstance in those formational moments after Christ’s ascension into heaven. While it may not be readily noticed, Scripture indicates that Paul was attempting to correct one such development of factions in First Corinthians. “…Each of you says, ‘I am of Paul,’ or ‘I am of Apollos,’ or ‘I am of Cephas,’ or ‘I am of Christ.’ (I Corinthians 1:12 NKJV) He then expresses that when they say such things they are speaking from a carnal heart. (I Corinthians 3:4)
What they were saying is “I am part of this faction”. Many groups of thought within congregations have emerged over the most trivial of battles. Some gather to attempt to gain the pastor’s ear by enacting a triangle connection through another they perceive he/she listens to. Sometimes this occurs if they have taken their idea/plan to the pastor and he/she has not chosen to act on it.
Also, Jesus warned against triangulation in this manner. He taught that if you have a difficulty with your brother, you should go directly to him with the matter. He also gives instruction on how to proceed in the matter if your brother refuses to listen to your approach. (Matthew 18:15-17) Which brings me to my next point.
While triangulation in the Church can be detrimental to the harmony of the congregation, it can also be utilized for positive purposes as well. Just as in the case of a family where communications have broken down, a counselor, or pastor, may be able to intervene and provide a third point of contact to help translate what is intended between the two. This is normally accomplished in a direct setting with all three parties involved. Sometimes just having someone restate the points being given is enough to bring about an understanding between the two parties. In this way, with some teaching involved as to communication practices, the parties can develop a healthy direct connection of their own.
Healthy churches are developed by open communication. Whether it be the Pastor, other leadership, ministry directors, or others, harmony is achieved when we are honest with each other and able to cultivate an atmosphere in which we understand that we can effectively work together within our differences. God gives us a oneness even in our diversity. The Church is a family: The Family of God.
One of the concepts of Family Systems Therapy is that of triangulation. Triangulation is the manner in which one person, or a group of persons, interacts indirectly with another person or group through a third person or group. Simply put, since one member of the family does not feel comfortable approaching another member they speak to them through someone else.
An exaggerated example of triangulation is that portrayed in movies and sitcoms when a family is gathered around the dinner table and Dad and Mom are angry with each other. While being unwilling to talk directly to each other, they conduct a conversation through the child/children around the table. It is shown something like this:
Child – “Why are you two not talking to each other?”
Mom – “Your father still hasn’t apologized for what he said this morning.”
Dad– “Your mother has no reason to be angry with me for what I said, since I was only speaking the truth.”
Mom – “You can tell your father than he needs to be more understanding and not be so mean about what he is saying.”
Etc. etc. etc.
While the idea of triangulation is not so direct as presented above, it is prevalent within many families where one person is struggling to have a voice. Many times it is the children who are utilized to pass a message on between father and mother. However, it may also be used in connection with a child wanting to say something to the other parent that they do not feel comfortable directly telling them.
Sometimes triangulation takes another form in the attempt to bring the third party into the conversation to gain an ally in the process of the family. This may be a son/daughter trying to gather the allegiance of one parent in getting an answer they want from the other. The daughter that knows her dad does not want her going to an event at the school with a young man may talk to her mother and attempt to get her to convince the dad that she should be allowed to go.
Regardless of the message being conveyed, it is not being conveyed to the party it should be, but instead going through someone else. With this in mind, it becomes clear how such an approach to relationship is applied to the Church.
All congregations face the difficult task of conducting relationship. With all of the families represented in one group one can understand how the facets of Family Systems Theory are exponentially increased within the Family of God. In addition to all the different dynamics of each individual family comes the necessity for those groups to have a relationship to all the others, both individually and collectively.
Triangulation has divided many congregations throughout the centuries since those first groups began to meet together. The Apostle Paul dealt with this circumstance in those formational moments after Christ’s ascension into heaven. While it may not be readily noticed, Scripture indicates that Paul was attempting to correct one such development of factions in First Corinthians. “…Each of you says, ‘I am of Paul,’ or ‘I am of Apollos,’ or ‘I am of Cephas,’ or ‘I am of Christ.’ (I Corinthians 1:12 NKJV) He then expresses that when they say such things they are speaking from a carnal heart. (I Corinthians 3:4)
What they were saying is “I am part of this faction”. Many groups of thought within congregations have emerged over the most trivial of battles. Some gather to attempt to gain the pastor’s ear by enacting a triangle connection through another they perceive he/she listens to. Sometimes this occurs if they have taken their idea/plan to the pastor and he/she has not chosen to act on it.
Also, Jesus warned against triangulation in this manner. He taught that if you have a difficulty with your brother, you should go directly to him with the matter. He also gives instruction on how to proceed in the matter if your brother refuses to listen to your approach. (Matthew 18:15-17) Which brings me to my next point.
While triangulation in the Church can be detrimental to the harmony of the congregation, it can also be utilized for positive purposes as well. Just as in the case of a family where communications have broken down, a counselor, or pastor, may be able to intervene and provide a third point of contact to help translate what is intended between the two. This is normally accomplished in a direct setting with all three parties involved. Sometimes just having someone restate the points being given is enough to bring about an understanding between the two parties. In this way, with some teaching involved as to communication practices, the parties can develop a healthy direct connection of their own.
Healthy churches are developed by open communication. Whether it be the Pastor, other leadership, ministry directors, or others, harmony is achieved when we are honest with each other and able to cultivate an atmosphere in which we understand that we can effectively work together within our differences. God gives us a oneness even in our diversity. The Church is a family: The Family of God.
Churches as Family Systems
Languages of Love
By Rex Louth
March 3, 2015
Languages of Love
By Rex Louth
March 3, 2015
When considering the topic of the Languages of Love, there are many sources to refer to. When considering ministry within the church and the ways to grow and disciple the persons in the family of God, there are many sources to refer to. When considering the blending of the two topics the sources diminish in number.
In his various works based on his book The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman deals with those items of life which tell us that we are loved and special. His works are based on the individual and which of the five actions best cause us to sense that sincere appreciation from a loved one. Those are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.[1] While these are good to determine in understanding what makes those around you feel special, they do not provide a comprehensive understanding of the “languages of love”.
While determining what truly are the languages of love within a family, physical or congregational, there is a sense that we must understand the basic needs of those involved. What is it that truly drives us in our communication with one another? Surely it is not sufficient to merely state facts and discuss options. There is a much deeper level of interaction that exists between those of any social structure, but especially within a “family”.
According to Abraham Maslow, there are five basic need categories which each person desires in moving into a fulfilled life. “Maslow’s theory suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs.”[2] Those categories are represented most times in the form of a pyramid. The most basic of the needs, represented at the bottom of the pyramid, is physiological needs such as air, water, food, clothing, shelter, sex, and sleep. The pyramid is built upward by the areas of security, such as freedom from fear, health, order, finances, etc. Then there are needs of love and belonging, self-esteem and respect, and self-actualization which refers to one becoming all they can in life.
Other theories of psychoanalytical processes reference similar needs to those in Maslow’s theory and further consider that a person’s behavior is shaped by the family structure in which they were raised and the societal influences encountered in life. While Sigmund Freud believed that an individual had developed their foundational psyche by the age of eight through the direct influence of their parents in founding his psychoanalytic theory[3], Alfred Adler profoundly expanded the theory to include the concepts of societal influence and the drive to succeed, as well as the birth-order theory which points toward the placement of the child in their family of origin in relation to their other siblings[4].
And with these and many other theories related to the psychological development of the individual available for study and consideration, as well as their focus on particular aspects of what causes a person to behave as they do, there is still a more basic response to the question, “What truly are the languages of love?”
As stated previously, the number of volumes on relationships within the Church are limited. One such book which I came to appreciate early in ministry was The Language of Love by Robert E. Fisher[5] Though a short text of only 152 pages, it captured the essence of godly communication in all facets of life, including the local congregation. Each of the ten chapters began with a scriptural reference to the topic covered and gave an overview of why this concept was so necessary in our communications. Chapter titles included such concepts as Stop Talking and Start Listening; Speak the Truth in Love; Practice Forgiveness; Be Constructive, Not Critical; and Leave Vengeance to God. Each of the ten guidelines presented are biblical in foundation and sound in practice.
And while Dr. Fisher’s book is highly effective in presenting general guidelines in our approach to communication with one another, I would like to offer another option when considering the “Languages of Love”. In order to do so, let us take a look at the foundation of love.
Scripture clearly points out the essence of love. “He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” (I John 4:8) God is the embodiment of love. His purity and holiness projects love. Further, an outline of the characteristics of love is given in I Corinthians 13:2-8:
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…”
Since God is the embodiment of love, and the Bible tells us of the supportive nature of love in providing hope and nurturing, it is only sensible that the presentation of the Languages of Love will come from the Word of God itself. Or perhaps it is better to say from the Word of God, Himself.
Jesus is the living Word of God. John begins his gospel by stating very clearly the eternal nature and essential composition of Jesus Christ. “in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” (John 1:1 NKJV) Therefore when constructing the Languages of Love it is only natural to review the words of Christ.
When interacting with one another in the Church, as well as connecting with those beyond the scope of the congregation, there is a need to follow the example of Jesus. In light of the psychological makeup of the individual in each one having a necessity to have certain needs met in personal edification and encouragement, the message of God’s Son does so.
In reviewing psychological theories there are consistencies throughout pointing to foundational essentials in communication. Among these are the need for Being Heard (or Listening), Acceptance, Companionship, Opportunity, Purpose, Rest, Hope and Love. Jesus dealt with each one of these throughout His ministry.
The first point of Jesus’ approach is that he truly had a heart of compassion. Without truly sharing in the love of God within our lives we cannot provide the necessary encouragements and edifications that are needed in our communications. The old statement that “they do not care how much you know until they know how much you care” is grounded in this concept. We must have a prayerfully prepared heart which is full of God’s love.
Being Heard –
Wherever Jesus went on His journeys throughout the land He came across people in need. His interactions with each one was individualized and based on what they spoke to Him. He asked strategic questions, and gave directed answers. But first and foremost, each one He came to received His personal attention.
Yes, He gave messages to the masses. He stood on hillsides and proclaimed the truth of God to the multitudes, and fed them when needed. He came to the entire world. But His message was one of individual connection.
To be like Jesus in our communications is to be willing to take the time to listen to what each other has to say, and not just glaze over our conversations with each other. So many times the members of a congregation have “church-speak” interactions without becoming connected personally. We are family, and God expects us to treat each other like family. Caring about the true needs we have. And this will continue into our connections with those beyond the church doors. They will truly “know you care”.
Acceptance –
One of the most intensive moments in Jesus’ ministry came when the woman “caught in adultery” was brought before Him. The scribes and Pharisees were waiting to see what Jesus had to say about what was to be done with her. They even baited Him by quoting Scripture. They pointed out to Jesus that Moses had said she should be stoned. Of course Jesus knew the Word of God, and ultimately had them leave one-by-one until only she was left there before Him.
His words to her that day were words of life. Where her sin had brought her to the place of death, Jesus accepted her in her sin. His loving statement was clear. “Neither do I condemn you.” (John 8:11 NKJV) But His response to her condition did not stop there.
Many times in today’s society it is proclaimed that the Church should just proclaim God’s love and mercy. And that is a significant part of the message. However, Jesus, after telling the woman that He did not condemn her, was very clear in following up that statement with a command to, “go and sin no more”. (John 8:11 NKJV) Jesus accepted her, but also was able to “speak the truth in love”. (Ephesians 4:15)
Companionship –
Jesus was preparing to leave this world. He was destined to die on the cross and provide a payment for our sin. He began to train His disciples for what was about to come. He is quoted as saying, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5 NKJV) As He coached them in the facts of His departure, He assured them, “I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever-“. (John 14:16 NKJV)
From the very beginning God said, “It is not good that man should be alone”. (Genesis 2:18) Each of us has a need to have companionship. There is a drive which compels us to be in communion with our fellow man and with God. We need each other. Jesus’ example is to us that we may understand how much there is a necessity to work together in a harmonious relationship.
Paul encourages the Church to edify each other. (Romans 14:16; Ephesians 4:12&16; I Thessalonians 5:11) The Christian companionship is a key element in the successful continuance of the Body of Christ. We cannot say to each other, “I do not need you”. (I Corinthians 12:12-28) We are eternally intertwined through the Holy Spirit.
Opportunity –
One very important aspect in the psychological development of an individual is opportunity. If we are blocked on every side and there is not chance for enhancement or development we become discouraged and stagnant. The results of this can manifest itself in many ways.
Jesus recognized this and encouraged the Church by providing opportunity. He stated to the Church of Philadelphia, “I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it.” (Revelation 3:8 NKJV) in sending the Holy Spirit to direct the Body of Christ in its operations, Jesus gave opportunity for success. In order to achieve God’s plan, we must simply follow His lead. The Holy Spirit leads us into the path prepared for us. He cannot lead us astray.
Purpose –
Opportunity makes way for purpose. Jesus does not send us forward without a plan, and His plan is that each of us has a determined path which will fulfill us and bring about His ways throughout the Earth.
When He was in the early stages of preparing His ministry, Jesus walked throughout the land and gathered together a group of misfits and outcasts that did not fit the mold of the general religious order. He said to those on their boats, “I will make you fishers of men”. (Mark 1:17)
Jesus left the Church with a general purpose as well. He commanded each of His disciples collectively to, “Go…and make disciples of all the nations.” (Matthew 28:19 NKJV) He then, speaking through His Apostle Paul, stated that He was giving individual purposes in setting Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Pastors and Teachers to lead the Church. (I Corinthians 12:28, Ephesians 4:11 NKJV)
Each one has a place and a purpose. It is important, if we are speaking the languages of love, to acknowledge those purposes within each other. We must encourage one another to find that purpose and fulfill it. It is our destiny!
Rest –
Another critical part in the healthy development of the individual is to know a peace of heart and mind that rests in Christ. Knowing that there would be obstacles coming the way of His people He gave out a call for a time of refreshing. He stated, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
He then provided example for each of us. Jesus Himself went aside to rest, away from the multitudes. On many of those occasion they followed Him, but He had set the precedence that there was a time for rest and relaxation.
One of the languages of love, as exemplified by Christ, is the provision for rest. When we see a brother or sister in the Lord in stages of “burnout” due to overwork, we should encourage them to rest. This works well within each household as well. We are to be concerned for one another in this area, knowing God is pleased when we provide for periods of rest.
Hope –
The concept of hope brings motivation for pressing forward in life. Discouragement, the antithesis of hope, wears down a person until they become lethargic either physically, spiritually, emotionally, or any combination of the three. A lack of hope can drive a person to harm themselves intentionally or unconsciously.
We have an eternal hope that rests in Christ. Jesus provided hope to the father whose daughter was dying at home even though his servants had told him not to trouble Jesus any longer. Jesus assured the father that his little girl was still alive and “only sleeping”. (Matthew 9:24) He told the father of the son who was self-destructive through an evil spirit that if he just had faith, the boy could be healed. The father replied, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24)
The believer is encouraged that “all things” are going to work out for our good if we trust in the Lord and are called by His purposes. (Romans 8:28) We are also told that our hope is centered on things of heaven. (II Corinthians 4:1-18) We are told to encourage one another with the hope of God’s redemption of the body. (I Thessalonians 4:13-18)
Love –
The underlying concept throughout God’s Languages of Love is, of course, love. God is love. (I John 4:8) Our message is one of love. Our interactions with one another in the Church must be based on love. Our outreach to the lost must be predicated on love. God’s prevailing presence in our lives provides the essence of love and empowers us to love others unconditionally. This must be shown in our relationships with each other.
Love encompasses all of the above concepts within the Language of Love. Our godly affection for one another drives us to be certain that our interactions and communications are bathed in love.
When strife and discontentment in the Church are prevalent, there is an imbalance in the love. The Word of God tells us that when blessing and cursing come out from the same source, “These things ought not to be so.” (James 3:10)
Speaking the Languages of Love is intentional, and, like all languages, takes practice. The language is developed over time. It is bettered by prayer. When we see each other in light of the love of God, and recognize that we are choice vessels working together, and more, we are able to speak and work with one another in harmony.
God has provided the example throughout His Word on communication. He is calling each of us today to speak The Languages of Love.
[1] Chapman, Gary D. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago: Northfield Pub., 2015.
[2] "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs." Wikipedia. Accessed March 4, 2015. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs.
[3] Corey, Gerald. Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy. 9th Ed., Student ed. Belmont, Calif.: Wadsworth ;, 2013. 62-83.
[4] Corey, Gerald. Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy. 9th Ed., Student ed. Belmont, Calif.: Wadsworth ;, 2013. 101-135.
[5] Fisher, Robert E. The Language of Love: Scriptural Guidelines for Communication. Cleveland, Tenn.: Pathway Press, 1987.
In his various works based on his book The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman deals with those items of life which tell us that we are loved and special. His works are based on the individual and which of the five actions best cause us to sense that sincere appreciation from a loved one. Those are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.[1] While these are good to determine in understanding what makes those around you feel special, they do not provide a comprehensive understanding of the “languages of love”.
While determining what truly are the languages of love within a family, physical or congregational, there is a sense that we must understand the basic needs of those involved. What is it that truly drives us in our communication with one another? Surely it is not sufficient to merely state facts and discuss options. There is a much deeper level of interaction that exists between those of any social structure, but especially within a “family”.
According to Abraham Maslow, there are five basic need categories which each person desires in moving into a fulfilled life. “Maslow’s theory suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs.”[2] Those categories are represented most times in the form of a pyramid. The most basic of the needs, represented at the bottom of the pyramid, is physiological needs such as air, water, food, clothing, shelter, sex, and sleep. The pyramid is built upward by the areas of security, such as freedom from fear, health, order, finances, etc. Then there are needs of love and belonging, self-esteem and respect, and self-actualization which refers to one becoming all they can in life.
Other theories of psychoanalytical processes reference similar needs to those in Maslow’s theory and further consider that a person’s behavior is shaped by the family structure in which they were raised and the societal influences encountered in life. While Sigmund Freud believed that an individual had developed their foundational psyche by the age of eight through the direct influence of their parents in founding his psychoanalytic theory[3], Alfred Adler profoundly expanded the theory to include the concepts of societal influence and the drive to succeed, as well as the birth-order theory which points toward the placement of the child in their family of origin in relation to their other siblings[4].
And with these and many other theories related to the psychological development of the individual available for study and consideration, as well as their focus on particular aspects of what causes a person to behave as they do, there is still a more basic response to the question, “What truly are the languages of love?”
As stated previously, the number of volumes on relationships within the Church are limited. One such book which I came to appreciate early in ministry was The Language of Love by Robert E. Fisher[5] Though a short text of only 152 pages, it captured the essence of godly communication in all facets of life, including the local congregation. Each of the ten chapters began with a scriptural reference to the topic covered and gave an overview of why this concept was so necessary in our communications. Chapter titles included such concepts as Stop Talking and Start Listening; Speak the Truth in Love; Practice Forgiveness; Be Constructive, Not Critical; and Leave Vengeance to God. Each of the ten guidelines presented are biblical in foundation and sound in practice.
And while Dr. Fisher’s book is highly effective in presenting general guidelines in our approach to communication with one another, I would like to offer another option when considering the “Languages of Love”. In order to do so, let us take a look at the foundation of love.
Scripture clearly points out the essence of love. “He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” (I John 4:8) God is the embodiment of love. His purity and holiness projects love. Further, an outline of the characteristics of love is given in I Corinthians 13:2-8:
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…”
Since God is the embodiment of love, and the Bible tells us of the supportive nature of love in providing hope and nurturing, it is only sensible that the presentation of the Languages of Love will come from the Word of God itself. Or perhaps it is better to say from the Word of God, Himself.
Jesus is the living Word of God. John begins his gospel by stating very clearly the eternal nature and essential composition of Jesus Christ. “in the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” (John 1:1 NKJV) Therefore when constructing the Languages of Love it is only natural to review the words of Christ.
When interacting with one another in the Church, as well as connecting with those beyond the scope of the congregation, there is a need to follow the example of Jesus. In light of the psychological makeup of the individual in each one having a necessity to have certain needs met in personal edification and encouragement, the message of God’s Son does so.
In reviewing psychological theories there are consistencies throughout pointing to foundational essentials in communication. Among these are the need for Being Heard (or Listening), Acceptance, Companionship, Opportunity, Purpose, Rest, Hope and Love. Jesus dealt with each one of these throughout His ministry.
The first point of Jesus’ approach is that he truly had a heart of compassion. Without truly sharing in the love of God within our lives we cannot provide the necessary encouragements and edifications that are needed in our communications. The old statement that “they do not care how much you know until they know how much you care” is grounded in this concept. We must have a prayerfully prepared heart which is full of God’s love.
Being Heard –
Wherever Jesus went on His journeys throughout the land He came across people in need. His interactions with each one was individualized and based on what they spoke to Him. He asked strategic questions, and gave directed answers. But first and foremost, each one He came to received His personal attention.
Yes, He gave messages to the masses. He stood on hillsides and proclaimed the truth of God to the multitudes, and fed them when needed. He came to the entire world. But His message was one of individual connection.
To be like Jesus in our communications is to be willing to take the time to listen to what each other has to say, and not just glaze over our conversations with each other. So many times the members of a congregation have “church-speak” interactions without becoming connected personally. We are family, and God expects us to treat each other like family. Caring about the true needs we have. And this will continue into our connections with those beyond the church doors. They will truly “know you care”.
Acceptance –
One of the most intensive moments in Jesus’ ministry came when the woman “caught in adultery” was brought before Him. The scribes and Pharisees were waiting to see what Jesus had to say about what was to be done with her. They even baited Him by quoting Scripture. They pointed out to Jesus that Moses had said she should be stoned. Of course Jesus knew the Word of God, and ultimately had them leave one-by-one until only she was left there before Him.
His words to her that day were words of life. Where her sin had brought her to the place of death, Jesus accepted her in her sin. His loving statement was clear. “Neither do I condemn you.” (John 8:11 NKJV) But His response to her condition did not stop there.
Many times in today’s society it is proclaimed that the Church should just proclaim God’s love and mercy. And that is a significant part of the message. However, Jesus, after telling the woman that He did not condemn her, was very clear in following up that statement with a command to, “go and sin no more”. (John 8:11 NKJV) Jesus accepted her, but also was able to “speak the truth in love”. (Ephesians 4:15)
Companionship –
Jesus was preparing to leave this world. He was destined to die on the cross and provide a payment for our sin. He began to train His disciples for what was about to come. He is quoted as saying, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5 NKJV) As He coached them in the facts of His departure, He assured them, “I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever-“. (John 14:16 NKJV)
From the very beginning God said, “It is not good that man should be alone”. (Genesis 2:18) Each of us has a need to have companionship. There is a drive which compels us to be in communion with our fellow man and with God. We need each other. Jesus’ example is to us that we may understand how much there is a necessity to work together in a harmonious relationship.
Paul encourages the Church to edify each other. (Romans 14:16; Ephesians 4:12&16; I Thessalonians 5:11) The Christian companionship is a key element in the successful continuance of the Body of Christ. We cannot say to each other, “I do not need you”. (I Corinthians 12:12-28) We are eternally intertwined through the Holy Spirit.
Opportunity –
One very important aspect in the psychological development of an individual is opportunity. If we are blocked on every side and there is not chance for enhancement or development we become discouraged and stagnant. The results of this can manifest itself in many ways.
Jesus recognized this and encouraged the Church by providing opportunity. He stated to the Church of Philadelphia, “I have set before you an open door, and no one can shut it.” (Revelation 3:8 NKJV) in sending the Holy Spirit to direct the Body of Christ in its operations, Jesus gave opportunity for success. In order to achieve God’s plan, we must simply follow His lead. The Holy Spirit leads us into the path prepared for us. He cannot lead us astray.
Purpose –
Opportunity makes way for purpose. Jesus does not send us forward without a plan, and His plan is that each of us has a determined path which will fulfill us and bring about His ways throughout the Earth.
When He was in the early stages of preparing His ministry, Jesus walked throughout the land and gathered together a group of misfits and outcasts that did not fit the mold of the general religious order. He said to those on their boats, “I will make you fishers of men”. (Mark 1:17)
Jesus left the Church with a general purpose as well. He commanded each of His disciples collectively to, “Go…and make disciples of all the nations.” (Matthew 28:19 NKJV) He then, speaking through His Apostle Paul, stated that He was giving individual purposes in setting Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Pastors and Teachers to lead the Church. (I Corinthians 12:28, Ephesians 4:11 NKJV)
Each one has a place and a purpose. It is important, if we are speaking the languages of love, to acknowledge those purposes within each other. We must encourage one another to find that purpose and fulfill it. It is our destiny!
Rest –
Another critical part in the healthy development of the individual is to know a peace of heart and mind that rests in Christ. Knowing that there would be obstacles coming the way of His people He gave out a call for a time of refreshing. He stated, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)
He then provided example for each of us. Jesus Himself went aside to rest, away from the multitudes. On many of those occasion they followed Him, but He had set the precedence that there was a time for rest and relaxation.
One of the languages of love, as exemplified by Christ, is the provision for rest. When we see a brother or sister in the Lord in stages of “burnout” due to overwork, we should encourage them to rest. This works well within each household as well. We are to be concerned for one another in this area, knowing God is pleased when we provide for periods of rest.
Hope –
The concept of hope brings motivation for pressing forward in life. Discouragement, the antithesis of hope, wears down a person until they become lethargic either physically, spiritually, emotionally, or any combination of the three. A lack of hope can drive a person to harm themselves intentionally or unconsciously.
We have an eternal hope that rests in Christ. Jesus provided hope to the father whose daughter was dying at home even though his servants had told him not to trouble Jesus any longer. Jesus assured the father that his little girl was still alive and “only sleeping”. (Matthew 9:24) He told the father of the son who was self-destructive through an evil spirit that if he just had faith, the boy could be healed. The father replied, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24)
The believer is encouraged that “all things” are going to work out for our good if we trust in the Lord and are called by His purposes. (Romans 8:28) We are also told that our hope is centered on things of heaven. (II Corinthians 4:1-18) We are told to encourage one another with the hope of God’s redemption of the body. (I Thessalonians 4:13-18)
Love –
The underlying concept throughout God’s Languages of Love is, of course, love. God is love. (I John 4:8) Our message is one of love. Our interactions with one another in the Church must be based on love. Our outreach to the lost must be predicated on love. God’s prevailing presence in our lives provides the essence of love and empowers us to love others unconditionally. This must be shown in our relationships with each other.
Love encompasses all of the above concepts within the Language of Love. Our godly affection for one another drives us to be certain that our interactions and communications are bathed in love.
When strife and discontentment in the Church are prevalent, there is an imbalance in the love. The Word of God tells us that when blessing and cursing come out from the same source, “These things ought not to be so.” (James 3:10)
Speaking the Languages of Love is intentional, and, like all languages, takes practice. The language is developed over time. It is bettered by prayer. When we see each other in light of the love of God, and recognize that we are choice vessels working together, and more, we are able to speak and work with one another in harmony.
God has provided the example throughout His Word on communication. He is calling each of us today to speak The Languages of Love.
[1] Chapman, Gary D. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Chicago: Northfield Pub., 2015.
[2] "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs." Wikipedia. Accessed March 4, 2015. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs.
[3] Corey, Gerald. Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy. 9th Ed., Student ed. Belmont, Calif.: Wadsworth ;, 2013. 62-83.
[4] Corey, Gerald. Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy. 9th Ed., Student ed. Belmont, Calif.: Wadsworth ;, 2013. 101-135.
[5] Fisher, Robert E. The Language of Love: Scriptural Guidelines for Communication. Cleveland, Tenn.: Pathway Press, 1987.
Churches as Family Systems
Effective Premarital Counseling
By Rex Louth
March 10, 2015
Effective Premarital Counseling
By Rex Louth
March 10, 2015
Marriage – The second relationship instituted by God – The first between two members of mankind, created in God’s image.
In the beginning it was a matter of arrangement. God did not create two or more women in order to have Adam make a choice, but He created that one perfect person to walk at his side throughout the remainder of his life. At that time, mankind was eternal as he will be after time has ceased. Literally, man and women would be together in an eternal bond of love ordained by God.
The concept of marriage has been dealt with in many venues over the years. Much of what one learns of relationships between men and women is gathered from watching television and film media. Our societal influences bring lectures through news anchors and commentators, dramas and comedies. Tabloids proclaim the latest marriages and divorces of celebrities and paste their blessings and woes in 80 point font on their covers.
“Mawwage: …that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dweam.”[1]
Society has changed much throughout the years. Through the majority of recorded history, marriage was arranged by families seeking good stock for a successful home where their generations could continue in a solid environment. Fathers and mothers sought out those who shared their faith, ethics and what they deemed as strength in character. As centuries passed, more and more emphasis began to be placed on the emotional, or romantic love, aspect of relationships. It is into this environment the contemporary pastor finds themselves conducting a critical part of the Church Family process: Premarital Counseling.
Many Christian families still consider the choice of a life-mate to be one of the biggest decisions within the maturation of their children. Families have come to depend on The Church to provide proper advisement to couples seeking to be joined in marriage. As a Family System The Church has interest in the process, and wishes to assist couples in their preparation, and most importantly, in confirming their desire to do so.
Some statistics compiled by Shaunti Feldhaun, a social worker who trained at Harvard, in her book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference show that:
· 53% of Very Happy Couples agree with the statement, “God is at the center of our marriage” (compared to 7% of Struggling Couples).
· 30% of Struggling Couples disagree with the statement, “God is at the center of our marriage”[2]
In their book The Family Jack and Judith Balswick state, “Marriage is pivotal because it is necessary to the psychological well-being of the individuals involved, the social well-being of the married couple and family, the economic well-being of communities, and the survival of society itself.”[3] It is very important to understand that at the very foundation of a good marriage is God. He placed man and woman together the very first time, saw that what He had done was very good, and gave them all the benefits of life in order to successfully conduct themselves in their relationship with each other and Him.
The first step in premarital counseling, then, is a discussion with the couple about their spiritual life, and where God fits into their relationship. Those whose ideals related to God are not in synchronous understanding have a very good chance of facing struggles within their relationship that could bring about its demise. There are many other factors involved in projecting the level of success the engaged will have together, but this is primary.
A great tool to use in allowing insight into the understanding the potential bride and groom have on raising children and other concerns they are likely to face is the Prepare/Enrich survey by David Olson. This survey deals with many avenues of the couples’ understanding of how a marriage is to be conducted, what roles each plays in the process, questions about children, dealing with the extended family, and others. This is an excellent tool to utilize, but cannot be acquired unless you have first taken a one-day seminar to prepare you for utilizing the material. Costs for the one-day seminar vary, but begin around $100 and continue through about $175.
Also, a good understanding of relationship psychology is helpful. There are many books that may be used to gain a general overview of the various theories related to birth order, family of origin circumstances, expectations in relationships and so forth. One book I do recommend is The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home, a portion of which I referenced above. In addition, the basic understanding of the family as a system where each member brings their personal past to the newly forming home may be beneficial. One of the best books I have found regarding this concept is Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods by Michael P. Nicols.[4]
Regardless of which methodology or tools you use in approaching premarital counseling, there are a few areas of the couples life that need to be addressed.
1- Faith in God – Since this is a key issue in a successful marriage, it is important to review the feelings of each person in the relationship regarding God and how much a part He plays in the marriage.
2- Finances – Another issue that is prominent in reaching a boiling point in the marriage relationship is money and the way it is utilized in the home. What is their vision of how God operates in their finances? What are the financial habits in their family of origin? Do they know how to prepare a budget? How will the budget bet handled? How will they communicate finances to each other? Etc.
3- Physical Relationship – While couples romanticize the physical aspect of their relationship in marriage, the reality is that it goes beyond the passion of courtship. How intensive is their physical relationship presently? How do they perceive their physical relationship after marriage? How do they plan to deal with physical issues after marriage?
4- Home Development – Each person has his/her own style. Some things in the home become points of conflict if they vary enough between the opinions of the two. A general discussion of these matters may be helpful in avoiding any misunderstandings after marriage.
5- Family Development – While it is understood that the majority of couples want to have children, this is also an area that tends to be romanticized and not discussed prior to marriage. These matters may also be areas of contention if the answers to some important questions are in opposition. What is each one’s idea of “the perfect family”? How many children are they planning to have? Have they discussed birth control or none after marriage? What are their opinions on disciplining a child? Etc.
6- Church Issues – If a family is being created where both attend the same congregation, this may not be a large issue. However, if they are not attending the same church presently, this needs to be covered in a conversation. Where will they attend church? This question entails more than just a “Let’s attend here” decision. It is important to stress the need to develop a family within the church. And it is important to be in agreement as to what is to be taught to the children that may come into the relationship.
7- Marriage – This appears to be obvious, however, many couples do not know what marriage actually looks like. They each have an idea of what a marriage is in relation to their parents or guardians, and maybe even other observed marriages, and have developed their ideal as a result. The couple needs to have a realistic discussion related to the realities of marriage. Included in this is how they will handle conflict in the relationship.
The answers to these and other concerns you may compile will determine how you approach the “counseling” portion of premarital counseling. Only after the questions have been answered, and the couple has been given a good concept of the realities of marriage should the discussion of the service itself, including the vows and such, come into play. I am not advocating “in your face” scare tactics to try and dissuade a couple from being married. There is merely a need to have them consider some serious topics before given the green light to move forward.
One way to determine the perceptions alive within the bride and groom’s minds related to marriage is ask them each individually and separately (not getting input from the other) to write up a set of vows that they are willing to commit to each other “till death do us part”. Be certain they understand what the concept of the vow means.
A few books and websites you may find informative and helpful are listed below. It is a benefit to research what others have done in premarital counseling and build upon what is successful. There is no need to reinvent the wheel from scratch.
Wright, H. Norman, The Premarital Counseling Handbook. Chicago: Moody Press, 1992.
Wright, H. Norman, and Wes Roberts. Before You Say "I Do" Rev. and Expanded. ed. Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1997.
Balswick, Jack O., and Judith K. Balswick. The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home. 3rd ed. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Academic, 2007. 68.
Feldhahn, Shaunti. The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference.
Nichols, Michael P. Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. 10th ed. Boston: Pearson, 2013.
"Word and Way - Premarital Counseling Part 1: Questions That Need Answers." Word and Way - Premarital Counseling Part 1: Questions That Need Answers. http://www.wordandway.org/content/view/676/196/
Marriage 101 - Back to the Basics. http://marriage101online.com/
"7 Issues to Address in Pre-Marital Counseling - Ron Edmondson." Ron Edmondson. October 24, 2011. http://www.ronedmondson.com/2011/10/7-issues-to-address-in-pre-marital-counseling.html
[1] The Princess Bride. Twentieth Century Fox Film Corp., 1987. Film.
[2] Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages Survey - Shaunti Feldhahn." Shaunti Feldhahn Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages Survey Comments. Accessed March 12, 2015. Click on "survey" for pdf of results
[3] Balswick, Jack O., and Judith K. Balswick. The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home. 3rd ed. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Academic, 2007. 68.
[4] Nichols, Michael P. Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. 10th ed. Boston: Pearson, 2013.
In the beginning it was a matter of arrangement. God did not create two or more women in order to have Adam make a choice, but He created that one perfect person to walk at his side throughout the remainder of his life. At that time, mankind was eternal as he will be after time has ceased. Literally, man and women would be together in an eternal bond of love ordained by God.
The concept of marriage has been dealt with in many venues over the years. Much of what one learns of relationships between men and women is gathered from watching television and film media. Our societal influences bring lectures through news anchors and commentators, dramas and comedies. Tabloids proclaim the latest marriages and divorces of celebrities and paste their blessings and woes in 80 point font on their covers.
“Mawwage: …that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dweam.”[1]
Society has changed much throughout the years. Through the majority of recorded history, marriage was arranged by families seeking good stock for a successful home where their generations could continue in a solid environment. Fathers and mothers sought out those who shared their faith, ethics and what they deemed as strength in character. As centuries passed, more and more emphasis began to be placed on the emotional, or romantic love, aspect of relationships. It is into this environment the contemporary pastor finds themselves conducting a critical part of the Church Family process: Premarital Counseling.
Many Christian families still consider the choice of a life-mate to be one of the biggest decisions within the maturation of their children. Families have come to depend on The Church to provide proper advisement to couples seeking to be joined in marriage. As a Family System The Church has interest in the process, and wishes to assist couples in their preparation, and most importantly, in confirming their desire to do so.
Some statistics compiled by Shaunti Feldhaun, a social worker who trained at Harvard, in her book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference show that:
· 53% of Very Happy Couples agree with the statement, “God is at the center of our marriage” (compared to 7% of Struggling Couples).
· 30% of Struggling Couples disagree with the statement, “God is at the center of our marriage”[2]
In their book The Family Jack and Judith Balswick state, “Marriage is pivotal because it is necessary to the psychological well-being of the individuals involved, the social well-being of the married couple and family, the economic well-being of communities, and the survival of society itself.”[3] It is very important to understand that at the very foundation of a good marriage is God. He placed man and woman together the very first time, saw that what He had done was very good, and gave them all the benefits of life in order to successfully conduct themselves in their relationship with each other and Him.
The first step in premarital counseling, then, is a discussion with the couple about their spiritual life, and where God fits into their relationship. Those whose ideals related to God are not in synchronous understanding have a very good chance of facing struggles within their relationship that could bring about its demise. There are many other factors involved in projecting the level of success the engaged will have together, but this is primary.
A great tool to use in allowing insight into the understanding the potential bride and groom have on raising children and other concerns they are likely to face is the Prepare/Enrich survey by David Olson. This survey deals with many avenues of the couples’ understanding of how a marriage is to be conducted, what roles each plays in the process, questions about children, dealing with the extended family, and others. This is an excellent tool to utilize, but cannot be acquired unless you have first taken a one-day seminar to prepare you for utilizing the material. Costs for the one-day seminar vary, but begin around $100 and continue through about $175.
Also, a good understanding of relationship psychology is helpful. There are many books that may be used to gain a general overview of the various theories related to birth order, family of origin circumstances, expectations in relationships and so forth. One book I do recommend is The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home, a portion of which I referenced above. In addition, the basic understanding of the family as a system where each member brings their personal past to the newly forming home may be beneficial. One of the best books I have found regarding this concept is Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods by Michael P. Nicols.[4]
Regardless of which methodology or tools you use in approaching premarital counseling, there are a few areas of the couples life that need to be addressed.
1- Faith in God – Since this is a key issue in a successful marriage, it is important to review the feelings of each person in the relationship regarding God and how much a part He plays in the marriage.
2- Finances – Another issue that is prominent in reaching a boiling point in the marriage relationship is money and the way it is utilized in the home. What is their vision of how God operates in their finances? What are the financial habits in their family of origin? Do they know how to prepare a budget? How will the budget bet handled? How will they communicate finances to each other? Etc.
3- Physical Relationship – While couples romanticize the physical aspect of their relationship in marriage, the reality is that it goes beyond the passion of courtship. How intensive is their physical relationship presently? How do they perceive their physical relationship after marriage? How do they plan to deal with physical issues after marriage?
4- Home Development – Each person has his/her own style. Some things in the home become points of conflict if they vary enough between the opinions of the two. A general discussion of these matters may be helpful in avoiding any misunderstandings after marriage.
5- Family Development – While it is understood that the majority of couples want to have children, this is also an area that tends to be romanticized and not discussed prior to marriage. These matters may also be areas of contention if the answers to some important questions are in opposition. What is each one’s idea of “the perfect family”? How many children are they planning to have? Have they discussed birth control or none after marriage? What are their opinions on disciplining a child? Etc.
6- Church Issues – If a family is being created where both attend the same congregation, this may not be a large issue. However, if they are not attending the same church presently, this needs to be covered in a conversation. Where will they attend church? This question entails more than just a “Let’s attend here” decision. It is important to stress the need to develop a family within the church. And it is important to be in agreement as to what is to be taught to the children that may come into the relationship.
7- Marriage – This appears to be obvious, however, many couples do not know what marriage actually looks like. They each have an idea of what a marriage is in relation to their parents or guardians, and maybe even other observed marriages, and have developed their ideal as a result. The couple needs to have a realistic discussion related to the realities of marriage. Included in this is how they will handle conflict in the relationship.
The answers to these and other concerns you may compile will determine how you approach the “counseling” portion of premarital counseling. Only after the questions have been answered, and the couple has been given a good concept of the realities of marriage should the discussion of the service itself, including the vows and such, come into play. I am not advocating “in your face” scare tactics to try and dissuade a couple from being married. There is merely a need to have them consider some serious topics before given the green light to move forward.
One way to determine the perceptions alive within the bride and groom’s minds related to marriage is ask them each individually and separately (not getting input from the other) to write up a set of vows that they are willing to commit to each other “till death do us part”. Be certain they understand what the concept of the vow means.
A few books and websites you may find informative and helpful are listed below. It is a benefit to research what others have done in premarital counseling and build upon what is successful. There is no need to reinvent the wheel from scratch.
Wright, H. Norman, The Premarital Counseling Handbook. Chicago: Moody Press, 1992.
Wright, H. Norman, and Wes Roberts. Before You Say "I Do" Rev. and Expanded. ed. Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1997.
Balswick, Jack O., and Judith K. Balswick. The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home. 3rd ed. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Academic, 2007. 68.
Feldhahn, Shaunti. The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference.
Nichols, Michael P. Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. 10th ed. Boston: Pearson, 2013.
"Word and Way - Premarital Counseling Part 1: Questions That Need Answers." Word and Way - Premarital Counseling Part 1: Questions That Need Answers. http://www.wordandway.org/content/view/676/196/
Marriage 101 - Back to the Basics. http://marriage101online.com/
"7 Issues to Address in Pre-Marital Counseling - Ron Edmondson." Ron Edmondson. October 24, 2011. http://www.ronedmondson.com/2011/10/7-issues-to-address-in-pre-marital-counseling.html
[1] The Princess Bride. Twentieth Century Fox Film Corp., 1987. Film.
[2] Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages Survey - Shaunti Feldhahn." Shaunti Feldhahn Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages Survey Comments. Accessed March 12, 2015. Click on "survey" for pdf of results
[3] Balswick, Jack O., and Judith K. Balswick. The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home. 3rd ed. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Baker Academic, 2007. 68.
[4] Nichols, Michael P. Family Therapy: Concepts and Methods. 10th ed. Boston: Pearson, 2013.