Dealing With Grief
The increase of technological advances and access to medical and social services to most persons have created an illusion of higher life expectancy and a denial or aversion to death (Gusky 2009, p. 53-55). This false perception has contributed to many people’s misunderstanding of the grieving process after profound loss. It is not a matter of pumping pharmaceuticals into the saddened individual so that they can quickly ‘overcome’ the emotional pain but rather allow them to undergo the movement of pain and sorrow until they are cognitively courageously ready to face the loss. As Christians we will also face perils and at such time, how much more family cohesion, patience and understanding are needed. This blog attempts to broaden our knowledge of grief and how it must be dealt delicately and empathetically with wisdom.
“Grief is the normal and natural emotional response to loss [to anything meaningful to an individual and/group] (Friedman and James 2009, p. 50).” It is important to note that every significant loss, whether it be a loved one, a job, a divorce, migration, etc., the impact can have varying degrees of trauma, that is, the greater the attack at one’s core, the greater the trauma is to the individual’s entire reality system (Cheikin 1981, p. 335). Thus examining the loss and the place it had in a person’s life is important to understanding their level of trauma or grief.
The following is a description of the three general non-linear phases to grief with the integration of a God-centered approach and intervention. When an individual’s reality system is shattered, the colossal emotional response causes a break from self, loss of perception or disassociation and a dismantled belief system. The internal stressors can also be vividly marked by physical symptoms of insomnia, flat affect, loss of consciousness, loss of appetite, etc. The metaphorical language used in the fourth grief cycle told in Psalm 107: 25-26 vividly describes the inescapable and unbearable peril the people had to face despite following the Lord’s leading and direction. “At their wit’s end” (vs 27) shows a complete cognitive depletion, dysregulation and disequilibrium. These responses are natural but must be monitored regularly as safety of the distraught individual is priority. A family meeting can be held to explain the situation at hand and what the affected individual is experiencing. Roles and responsibilities will be shifted but should not disrupt family life and continuity. An age-appropriate discussion to identify how the other members may be experiencing secondary stress and alienation can occur and how they can work together to ensure that everyone is being cared for and needs are being met. Members can also be enlightened about what the grieved person may be experiencing and how they can actively participate in promoting the individual’s well-being. For example, develop a plan or pattern of routine, regularity and consistency where the person is checked/ visited, given food, a bath, reading of scripture or worship and getting sufficient REM sleep. The ministry of presence and staying connected as a family unit with cognitive consideration to the individual’s emotions is especially important during this initial phase. Depending on the severity of the situation, counseling for the affected person might be needed.
Persevered isolation is a demarking feature of the second phase where a person can either pretend to demonstrate stoic strength or be completely inactive plummeting into a form of depression. Even though continued and active presence and understanding by family members is needed in this phase, in addition to the things discussed previously, it should not negate the individual from reaching a deep place of hopelessness where they can realize and admit the need for help before they can journey the road to wellness and recovery. There must be a heartfelt cry for help (Psalm 107: 28).
The latter phase is marked by the individual’s mental capacity to understand and accept the tragedy or loss without blaming, wishing or feeling guilty. The individual may still sorrow but do so with a renewed hope of continuing life without the loss individual or thing. At this junction, the individual is more receptive to reframe their thinking to understand and view the situation more optimistically. Developing internal and external coping mechanisms is needed at this point and can be done with the assistance of a counselor or pastor. Integration into family life, taking up roles and responsibilities and re-connecting with relationships must be done incrementally at the individual’s pace. Similar to Psalm 107:42 where the righteous is able to ‘see’ and rejoice without having the incident explained, the once depressed person is now able to turn their tragedy into a testimony and be empowered to help others in alike situations.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to (Gusky 2009, p. 55).”
References
Cheikin, Martin L. “Loss and Reality.” The PERSONNEL AND GUIDANCE JOURNAL (February 1981): 335.
Friedman, Russell, and John W James. “The Myth of the Stages of Dying, Death and Grief.” Counseling Today (March 2009): 50.
“Grief is the normal and natural emotional response to loss [to anything meaningful to an individual and/group] (Friedman and James 2009, p. 50).” It is important to note that every significant loss, whether it be a loved one, a job, a divorce, migration, etc., the impact can have varying degrees of trauma, that is, the greater the attack at one’s core, the greater the trauma is to the individual’s entire reality system (Cheikin 1981, p. 335). Thus examining the loss and the place it had in a person’s life is important to understanding their level of trauma or grief.
The following is a description of the three general non-linear phases to grief with the integration of a God-centered approach and intervention. When an individual’s reality system is shattered, the colossal emotional response causes a break from self, loss of perception or disassociation and a dismantled belief system. The internal stressors can also be vividly marked by physical symptoms of insomnia, flat affect, loss of consciousness, loss of appetite, etc. The metaphorical language used in the fourth grief cycle told in Psalm 107: 25-26 vividly describes the inescapable and unbearable peril the people had to face despite following the Lord’s leading and direction. “At their wit’s end” (vs 27) shows a complete cognitive depletion, dysregulation and disequilibrium. These responses are natural but must be monitored regularly as safety of the distraught individual is priority. A family meeting can be held to explain the situation at hand and what the affected individual is experiencing. Roles and responsibilities will be shifted but should not disrupt family life and continuity. An age-appropriate discussion to identify how the other members may be experiencing secondary stress and alienation can occur and how they can work together to ensure that everyone is being cared for and needs are being met. Members can also be enlightened about what the grieved person may be experiencing and how they can actively participate in promoting the individual’s well-being. For example, develop a plan or pattern of routine, regularity and consistency where the person is checked/ visited, given food, a bath, reading of scripture or worship and getting sufficient REM sleep. The ministry of presence and staying connected as a family unit with cognitive consideration to the individual’s emotions is especially important during this initial phase. Depending on the severity of the situation, counseling for the affected person might be needed.
Persevered isolation is a demarking feature of the second phase where a person can either pretend to demonstrate stoic strength or be completely inactive plummeting into a form of depression. Even though continued and active presence and understanding by family members is needed in this phase, in addition to the things discussed previously, it should not negate the individual from reaching a deep place of hopelessness where they can realize and admit the need for help before they can journey the road to wellness and recovery. There must be a heartfelt cry for help (Psalm 107: 28).
The latter phase is marked by the individual’s mental capacity to understand and accept the tragedy or loss without blaming, wishing or feeling guilty. The individual may still sorrow but do so with a renewed hope of continuing life without the loss individual or thing. At this junction, the individual is more receptive to reframe their thinking to understand and view the situation more optimistically. Developing internal and external coping mechanisms is needed at this point and can be done with the assistance of a counselor or pastor. Integration into family life, taking up roles and responsibilities and re-connecting with relationships must be done incrementally at the individual’s pace. Similar to Psalm 107:42 where the righteous is able to ‘see’ and rejoice without having the incident explained, the once depressed person is now able to turn their tragedy into a testimony and be empowered to help others in alike situations.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to (Gusky 2009, p. 55).”
References
Cheikin, Martin L. “Loss and Reality.” The PERSONNEL AND GUIDANCE JOURNAL (February 1981): 335.
Friedman, Russell, and John W James. “The Myth of the Stages of Dying, Death and Grief.” Counseling Today (March 2009): 50.