Managing Conflict
Dealing with Conflict
Unexpressed emotions are the churns of lava buried at the heart of the individual. If a person is continually self-contained in their attempt to maintain peace in the family unit, this will simply have the opposite effect. Bitterness and resentment will begin to add pressure slowly creating cracks and spewing symptoms of withdrawal, fear, anxiety, depression until a sudden eruption occurs destroying self and those closest to the individual.
This is an unhealthy method of eliminating problems because the “conflict-producing behaviour” is not addressed and therefore never changes (p. 255).
Challenges are faced every day but should never be displaced or vented to other members in the family via unhealthy means such as verbal/physical abuse. Trials faced should never be an excuse for disruptive behaviour or be reinforced by societal or cultural norms. This creates a warlike atmosphere breeding animosity, fear and hurt. Less powerful individuals in the family will falsely believe that they did something wrong, are bad and deserve to be punished (p. 255).
Activity to keep in mind: Stop, Think, Acknowledge, Communicate before you Explode!
This is an unhealthy method of eliminating problems because the “conflict-producing behaviour” is not addressed and therefore never changes (p. 255).
Challenges are faced every day but should never be displaced or vented to other members in the family via unhealthy means such as verbal/physical abuse. Trials faced should never be an excuse for disruptive behaviour or be reinforced by societal or cultural norms. This creates a warlike atmosphere breeding animosity, fear and hurt. Less powerful individuals in the family will falsely believe that they did something wrong, are bad and deserve to be punished (p. 255).
Activity to keep in mind: Stop, Think, Acknowledge, Communicate before you Explode!
Biblical Perspective
The bible admonishes us to be peacemakers, love our neighbour as our self and to be reconcilers (Mat. 5:9, Luke 10:27, Mat. 5:24). Reflecting the Imago Dei of the blessed Trinity, it is imperative that family members inculcate an atmosphere of loving the other unconditionally and exercising grace and forgiveness. Covenant love requires a bi-lateral commitment to serve and be served (p. 10-13). There will be times sacrificial service even when one has been wronged or when things are not equal will be required. There should be a healthy balance between always being selfish or selfless. A house also built on the principle of grace gives room for exploration, growth, failure, acceptance and flexibility promoting the development of holistic undifferentiated beings that individually, tap into and maximize their God-given potentials and as a unit, present itself as a unified unstoppable force.
Healthy Conflict Resolution Approaches
Two practical constructive approaches to amicable conflict resolution shall be addressed:
Healthy Conflict Resolution Approaches
Two practical constructive approaches to amicable conflict resolution shall be addressed:
- Fair fighting
- Conflict Management
Fair Fighting
This approach attempts to find a middle ground between avoidance and confrontation using the following guidelines. However this can only be a successful option if family members value the other, respect each other’s thoughts and opinions so that persons can feel comfortable to honestly disclose. Everyone should be open to how they could have contributed to the conflict and actively become involved in making amends.
Since children pattern their parent’s behavior, it is imperative that parents either choose what matters are to be constructively dialogued in front their children or done amicably behind closed doors. These practices will enhance children’s communication and conflict resolution skills.
This approach attempts to find a middle ground between avoidance and confrontation using the following guidelines. However this can only be a successful option if family members value the other, respect each other’s thoughts and opinions so that persons can feel comfortable to honestly disclose. Everyone should be open to how they could have contributed to the conflict and actively become involved in making amends.
- Identify the Issue: peel off the layers of the presenting issue to identify the core reason for the disagreement.
- Choose the Right Time: when persons are tensed and the situation volatile, a cool-off or timeout period is needed. A time that is convenient for every member or persons involved that will promote fair and active participation is recommended. For example, calling a spouse/child at work/school or immediately pouncing on them or firing questions as soon as they arrive home is not the best time or strategy for dealing with the issue.
- Choose the Right Place: a neutral ground free from interruptions is best. Public arguments or verbal attacks in front of other people should be avoided.
- Begin with a Positive Stroke: Avoid only stating the negative and labelling actions as intentional but set the pace and mood for discussion with a positive statement. A parent can say this to a child, for instance, “You are usually respectful when communicating with family members, however, I heard when you told your sister she is dumb. Why did you say that?”
- Stick to the Issue: Do not become distracted or diffuse the situation by information that is not pertaining to the issue at hand. “Tangential issues, since they only muddy the water and forestall resolution of the problem, should immediately be declared off-limits” (p. 258).
- Do Not Bring Up the Past: deal with conflict as they arise and do not hold on to past grudges once they were dealt with. This does not promote healing but reopens wounds.
- Do Not Attack Emotionally Vulnerable Places: Focusing on and attacking a member’s weakness is an unfair hit below the belt causing more harm, a volatile reaction or bitter withdrawal. If sensitive areas are to be addressed it should be done mindfully with respect for the person’s feelings.
- Taking the Other Seriously: Walking off while someone is sharing or becoming pre-occupied with another activity, berating one’s intelligence to communicate, ridiculing or laughing at an issue are factors that negatively impact the person that is affected. When a person is devalued, they are trapped in an emotional bound of unworthiness, that is, not deserving effort, attention or respect.
- Express Anger Non-Abusively- A clear statement explaining how one is feeling using the first person (I am angry because…) is a healthy means of expressing anger. This promotes responsibility for one’s feelings rather than accusing another for it. Unexpressed anger, breeds assumptions, bitterness, resentment and eventual explosion. Anger manifested to verbally or physically hurt someone is sinful.
- Do Not Play Games: Avoid the self-pity or guilt trip games as “I guess it’s my entire fault”, “I am never good enough” or feign weakness to trick others into doing something.
- Do Not Be a Passive Aggressive: Withdrawing to oneself, not communicating with others, not fulfilling one’s role are examples of passive aggressiveness.
- Avoid Asking for Explanations of Behaviour: when a person has to justify their actions, they can feel as if they’re being accused of something and their answers may not prove to be satisfactory. I do not agree entirely with this point. If a spouse or parent is uncertain about a person’s behaviour, communicating it rather than making assumptions is important.
- Avoid Labeling and Name Calling: attacking one’s character and integrity by labelling/name calling creates further division and distance. Such labels can become cognitive mirrors resulting in negative self-fulfilling prophecy.
- Avoid Triangles: it is common for members in dispute to triangle another in to gain support and leverage in the situation. However, this only further disintegrates family relationships.
Since children pattern their parent’s behavior, it is imperative that parents either choose what matters are to be constructively dialogued in front their children or done amicably behind closed doors. These practices will enhance children’s communication and conflict resolution skills.
Some of these points are taken from Balswick and Balswick (2014), “The Family”.
Conflict Management
From the very inception of the joining of two beings, conflict emerges. While completely resolving all conflicts faced within the family system is impossible, they must be managed. The way in which conflict is dealt with can either provide opportunities for growth and self-enhancement or gaps and bridges in relationships. Before appropriate skills, strategies and processes of managing conflict can be explored, it is important that family members are aware of their predominant conflict resolution style so that disagreements can be approached more knowledgeably.
Each management style shows an individual’s concern for oneself, other family members and preservation of relationships. These styles are interchangeable dependent on the situation; therefore, persons must be flexible rather than stuck on one dominant style in order to generate creative means of resolving conflicts.
Resources
A Christian perspective on resolving disputes
A Christian perspective on resolving disputes
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Christian Guide to Resolving Conflict
http://08365081b3909fb182e8-d1728382312dcca4421fdda0fbe41c7b.r59.cf2.rackcdn.com/uploaded/c/0e3815875_1415162925_conflict-field-guide.pdf
Christian Practical Guide to PeaceMaking
The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande
https://www.christianbook.com/peacemaker-resolving-personal-conflict-third-edition/ken-sande/9780801064852/pd/64856?dv=%7Bdevice%7D&en=google&event=SHOP&kw=books-0-20%7C64856&p=1179710&gclid=CjwKEAjwz9HHBRDbopLGh-afzB4SJABY52oFut_wMunEjmbRZnZjaQL3KK5Q7KCBFAsddcMcOh5F9BoCyZzw_wcB
Resolving Family Conflict
https://www.clemson.edu/fyd/Assets/Adobe_Acrobat_files/tcct_resolving_family_conficts.pdf
Styles and Strategies for Conflict Resolution
http://www.astridbaumgardner.com/blog-and-resources/articles/conflict-management-styles-the-start-of-effective-conflict-management/
Conflict Management Styles Assessment
http://www.blake-group.com/sites/default/files/assessments/Conflict_Management_Styles_Assessment.pdf
http://08365081b3909fb182e8-d1728382312dcca4421fdda0fbe41c7b.r59.cf2.rackcdn.com/uploaded/c/0e3815875_1415162925_conflict-field-guide.pdf
Christian Practical Guide to PeaceMaking
The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande
https://www.christianbook.com/peacemaker-resolving-personal-conflict-third-edition/ken-sande/9780801064852/pd/64856?dv=%7Bdevice%7D&en=google&event=SHOP&kw=books-0-20%7C64856&p=1179710&gclid=CjwKEAjwz9HHBRDbopLGh-afzB4SJABY52oFut_wMunEjmbRZnZjaQL3KK5Q7KCBFAsddcMcOh5F9BoCyZzw_wcB
Resolving Family Conflict
https://www.clemson.edu/fyd/Assets/Adobe_Acrobat_files/tcct_resolving_family_conficts.pdf
Styles and Strategies for Conflict Resolution
http://www.astridbaumgardner.com/blog-and-resources/articles/conflict-management-styles-the-start-of-effective-conflict-management/
Conflict Management Styles Assessment
http://www.blake-group.com/sites/default/files/assessments/Conflict_Management_Styles_Assessment.pdf
Family Transitions
The family experiences various transitions and resistance or fear of or adjustment to change can cause disagreements.
Murray Bowen (1978), one of the pioneers for family systems theory and founder of systems theory speaks to ideologies, culture, religion, etc., that are passed down inter-generationally that formulates and restructures tasks, roles and responsibilities of individuals in a family. As such, a family’s problem must also be traced by their previous generational influences. These are considered to be vertical stress indicators. “Bowen’s theory describes how the family, as a multigenerational network of relationships, shapes the interplay of individuality and togetherness” (Nicholas 2013, p. 78). With this in mind, Carter and McGoldrick, Family Life Cycle Theory (1999) posits that a family experiences conflict when stage-specific family or individual tasks get derailed or transition to the next stage is blocked caused by predictable developmental crises or unpredictable life events such as illness. These can be considered to be horizontal stress factors. Changes in one family’s generation can complicate adjustments in another or effect one or all family members.
When identifying the conflict it is important to observe how vertical stressors influences behaviour and perception in dealing with horizontal developmental transitions.
Below are various changes that occur in the family system.
Murray Bowen (1978), one of the pioneers for family systems theory and founder of systems theory speaks to ideologies, culture, religion, etc., that are passed down inter-generationally that formulates and restructures tasks, roles and responsibilities of individuals in a family. As such, a family’s problem must also be traced by their previous generational influences. These are considered to be vertical stress indicators. “Bowen’s theory describes how the family, as a multigenerational network of relationships, shapes the interplay of individuality and togetherness” (Nicholas 2013, p. 78). With this in mind, Carter and McGoldrick, Family Life Cycle Theory (1999) posits that a family experiences conflict when stage-specific family or individual tasks get derailed or transition to the next stage is blocked caused by predictable developmental crises or unpredictable life events such as illness. These can be considered to be horizontal stress factors. Changes in one family’s generation can complicate adjustments in another or effect one or all family members.
When identifying the conflict it is important to observe how vertical stressors influences behaviour and perception in dealing with horizontal developmental transitions.
Below are various changes that occur in the family system.
The following table describes the various transitions that occur in the family and changes that occur.
Reference:
Nichols, Michael P., FAMILY THERAPY: Concepts and Methods, Needham MA: Allyn & Bacon, Tenth edition December 2012.
Nichols, Michael P., FAMILY THERAPY: Concepts and Methods, Needham MA: Allyn & Bacon, Tenth edition December 2012.
