Premarital Counseling
Introduction
One of the most important events in a person’s life is their wedding and getting married. The statistics show that in the United States as many as 90% of the population will get married by age 50 (APA website, 2017). In many cultures it is seen as a rite of passage into adulthood and an important milestone in the individual’s life. Usually, the wedding is the focus of the couple. It is the main event and where the couple focuses all their time, money, and attention rather than preparing for their marriage. They spend their time and energy focusing on the wedding which takes only an hour or two of their life, while foregoing any preparation for, hopefully, a lifetime of marriage. Today unfortunately, marriage is usually not a lifetime commitment in the United States any more with 40% to 50% of marriages in the United States ending in divorce. The rate of divorce of those getting married for the second time is even higher. And even among the remaining 50-60% of couples who stay married, it is not always a healthy relationship. Marriage is a big adjustment for any couple and it takes time and effort to learn to live with, appreciate and communicate with one’s spouse. It requires personal maturity and intelligence and lots of patience (Mace, 20). But the reward of a healthy marriage is immeasurable. Healthy marriages are good for couples’ mental and physical health, for children and family as growing up in a happy home help to protect children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. (APA website, 2017). One of the ways that pastors and counselors can help healthy marriages become established is through the practice of premarital counseling. Premarital counseling allows the couple, with the help of a pastor or counselor, to learn, gain advice, and work on some of the differences and challenges that they may face as their marriage begins. Unfortunately, not pursuing premarital counseling can increase the event of the marriage going through lots of trauma and failure in divorce. Premarital counseling can help couples to learn early on many of the factors and problems that lead to divorce and how to prevent them (Mace, 8). One of the main reasons that marriages fail is that the couple is unprepared for the changes and unique aspects of marriage and they don’t get help until it is too late. (Mace, 18).
Approaches to Premarital Counseling
Premarital counseling can be done in a pastoral or professional setting. The majority of premarital counseling is done by the pastor or clergy who is either connected to the couple or officiating the wedding (Worthington, 2). This premarital counseling offered is often required and connected to the services of the pastor officiating the wedding ceremony. For pastors, encouraging and requiring premarital counseling is an important part of their role as shepherd of the congregation. For couples who are members of the church, premarital counseling should be seen as a part of discipleship ministry of the local church (Oates, 4). Premarital counseling will help to build healthy families and marriages within the church, integrate the couple into the life of the church, and build a trusting relationship with the pastor. For couples who may not be apart of the church or even Christians, premarital counseling can be seen as a way of evangelism. Just as with any other counseling session, confidentiality is essential for the trusting relationship (Wright, 40-43).
The Logistics of Premarital Counseling
Much of the research regarding premarital counseling agree that five to six one hour sessions are enough to cover the main topics and provide a good basis for preparing a couple for marriage (Methodist manual, 22). That seems to be sufficient time for the counselor and couple to develop a relationship and be able to discuss the most important topics. This amounts to about 6 hours of actually counseling face-to-face time, but there will be additional time required of the couple in the form of homework between sessions. For this reason, it is advisable for the couples to start premarital counseling early in the engagement period or even before the engagement period. The closer time period to the wedding, the more time commitments for the couple and they will be more stressed and busy.
It is also advisable in the case of the pastor conducting the premarital counseling to add additional help in advising the couple. This can happen in the form of a mentor couple, usually an older couple in the congregation that can partner with the pastor in counseling while at the same time developing a relationship with the young couple. The mentor couple can be an additional source of support and wisdom for the young couple as they start their married life.
It is also a great idea for the pastor to use the resources and professionals within his congregation to offer classes available for the marrying couples and whole congregation. Some of the classes offered could be on financial planning, insurance, retirement, psychology and other important topics in which there is not time to fully cover in the course of premarital counseling (Oates, 36).
Seeing as premarital counseling is confidential and private, the setting of the counseling sessions should occur somewhere where the pastor and couple have privacy. It could be in the pastor’s house, office, or a room at the church if needed. The setting should be comfortable and inviting so that the couple feels at home and encourages them to be open and communicative. There is also the question of cost. It requires a good amount of time and preparation for the pastor to be involved in premarital counseling. There are also the materials, which either the church can provide, or it can be the couple’s responsibility to procure them. The most common method is to include the costs of the premarital counseling with the general usage fee for the couple that is marrying at the church as well. If the couple is not using the church facilities as well, then there can be a separate fee for the premarital counseling. The pastor should let the couple know he considers it a privilege to be assisting the couple (Methodist manual, 50).
Special Cases and Considerations
There are some special cases where the following method of premarital counseling might need to be altered or changed. In cases of remarriage due to either divorce or death of a spouse, there will be additional topics and challenges that the counselor might need to address with the couple. There could be guilt, grief, and other emotional problems still affecting one or both individuals that need to be worked out before the wedding. Statistically, the chance of divorce is even greater if one or both of the spouses has been married before and therefore it is just as essential to help the couple understand and heal from the effects of the previous marriages before starting a new one. If the couple is of different faiths or different cultures there are also additional needs that should be discussed during the premarital counseling. When couple from different cultures joining together, there is a greater chance of miscommunication and problems as each individual is approaching the situation from completely different worldview.
Sample Session and Topics
Session 1: Introduction
This first session is important for both the couple and the counselor to engage in a relationship and to start the counseling process. The counselor should go over a simple outline of what this first session and the next 5 should cover in terms of topics, times, location, and any homework or other assignments. The counselor and clients should take time to introduce themselves. While the pre-marital counseling process is different from a normal counseling process because you are not starting with a presenting problem to solve, there are still some skills and techniques that are carryover. This first session is important for the counselor to be attending to the couple and listening to them tell their story. Many of the counselors have the couple’s personal and family history to be discussed later on the a different session, but it really should be one of the first topics discussed. Attending and listening to the clients is one of the most important parts of counseling and so it is right that those two stages should be at the forefront of the premarital counseling process. Having the couple share their own stories and talk about their relationship with help to develop a trusting relationship with the counselor and also help the counselor to gain essential feedback about them and their lives. In listening to their words, the counselor can pick up on some of the issues or gain insight into what topics might really need to be discussed later on the sessions.
At the end of the session, the counselor needs to go over the homework for the next session. The next session will cover the purpose of marriage but also start discussing the couple’s personality and temperament. The homework then is for the couple to complete the personality assessment or temperament exam (whichever is chosen) so the counselor can look over them and score them and be ready to discuss them at the next session.
Resources/Homework: The next session will cover the purpose of marriage but also start discussing the couple’s personality and temperament. The homework then is for the couple to complete the personality assessment or temperament exam (there is a number of exams that can be chosen – Myers-Briggs, IPat, or others) so the counselor can look over them and score them and be ready to discuss them at the next session.
Session 2: Defining Marriage and Personality
The second session should start with more of teaching than counseling session, as the counselor should go over a definition of marriage from a biblical and societal standpoint. After that, the counselor should go over the personality results with the couple. Let them see and read the results if they have not already done so. Discuss the results, are there any results that they feel are not true or does the answer line up with how they view themselves. Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of the personalities and also how they will be together. What are some areas for potential problems, disagreements or misunderstandings there might be. It is important to discuss how the couple is alike and how they are different (Wright, 98). As discussed in the previous session, sometimes during premarital counseling, this is where the couple (or counselor) may realize that they are not really suited for each other or they might start thinking about delaying or ending the engagement. This can be tricky to navigate for the counselor and it must be handled delicately and with great discernment. The focus those should not only be on potential trouble areas, and the counselor should be quick to highlight areas where the couple complements each other personalities and areas where they might work well together. An important part of premarital counseling is not to give the couple a grim view of their future married life, but also to give them hope and ideas of how they will build their lives and how God can use their marriage to honor him.
Resources/Homework: The next week’s topic will be on communication and the couple should be encouraged to read the following book before the next session:
Wright, H. N. (2012). Communication: The Key to Marriage. Minneapolis: Bethany
Session 3: Communication
Communication is a critical topic for any couple (Wright, 114). One helpful technique for the counselor is to ask the couple to discuss a controversial topic or a subject they haven’t discussed so that the counselor can see first hand how they communicate. This can allow the counselor to help the couple learn how to resolve an argument or how to avoid misunderstanding by communicating more clearly. This conversation can also be recorded so that they can listen to it and allow everyone to comment. It can be helpful for people to listen to how they argue or talk. They may not realize how they come across to others. An important part of communication is the ability to really listen. The counselor can do some exercises that really force the couple to listen to each other and really hear what the other person is saying. A couple may have great communication, but that can be because they only communicate regarding surface level topics. Part of marriage and therefore premarital counseling is to get the couple to talk about items that they have not wanted to talk about, but really need to discuss (Wrights, 115). It is also good to discuss how people perceive their conflict-management skills and how they actually argue and resolve differences sometimes bear little resemblance to each other (Worthington, 172). Here are some questions that can be asked to help the couple realize their communication habits. What subjects have you talked about? Be specific as possible, listing the subjects in the order of their importance? Who does the most talking when you are alone? What do you do to let your fiancé know that you are angry? What kind of disagreements have you had? What have you done to resolve tour differences?
Resources/Homework: The next session will be covering family relationships. One thing the counselor might want to do is have the in-laws write a letter welcoming the new spouse into the family. These can be done before the next session.
Session 4: Family Relationships
One of the biggest changes that happens in marriage is the joining, not only of the couple, but the extended families. This can be a peaceful transition and a source of support for the new couple, or in it can be an added stress. It is important to explore a couple’s feeling about and relationships with both sets of parents (Wright, 111). The counselor should be asking questions and exploring what the each individual feels in relation to their own parents and their in-laws. A healthy couple will be able to leave their parents and join with their spouse while not alienating either party. In-laws do not have to be a source of contention, they can be an excellent support system for the new couple or growing family (Wright, 112). Look for the good points in the in-laws, respect them, be involved and interested in their life. It takes two people to create an in-law problem, no person solely has the blame. In some cases, the in-laws will seem like family from the very beginning, but in most cases it is a gradual process. Remember that they have been a family for a long time and it can take a while to fully join in and feel a part of their family. At the same time, in-laws should not interfere in the marriage and should take a hands-off approach unless invited (Dicks, 120).
It is also good to talk with the couple about what their ideas are regarding children. With most couples, the desire for children is there, whether right away or waiting a few years. It is good for couples to wait to have children to allow themselves to bond and build a solid relationship before the children come. Children should come into the relationship as a result of love and symbolize the couple’s affection (Dicks, 121). There is one thing important to the future well-being of a child and that is the emotional health of the parents. (Dicks, 123). Many couples who do want to have kids find themselves unable to have children. This is a stress for any marriage, and while it is not necessarily a topic for premarital counseling, it is something the couple should feel free to come to the pastor if it does become a stress. Here are some questions to help the couple reflect on what their priorities are regarding family: Do you believe in birth control and if so, what methods have you chosen? Are you planning to have children? How many would you like to have? When would you like to have them? How should the husband be involved in raising the kids? How should the wife be involved in raising the kids? I want to teach my kids these five values.
Resources/Homework: Here are some questions to give to the couple to answer before the next session. Describe your parent’s relationship¿ Who was the leader? Who managed the money, what did they do with the money? What three qualities in your parent’s marriage would you like to duplicate in your marriage? List in order of importance and time priority five goals that you are seeking to reach in your lifetime. Would you characterize yourself as a Christian? Why or why not? Describe a time when you felt very close to God? Describe a time when you felt very far from God? Describe where you are in your relationship to God now? Do you see any areas of conflict on spiritual issues with your fiancé? Describe their level of spiritual commitment.
Session 5: Lifestyle and Faith
Marriage is about joining two different individuals, each with their own hobbies, employment, dreams, and lifestyles. It can be hard to merge the two separate lives together at times. An essential topic to discuss is in regards to employment and assigned roles within their new household. It is usually advisable, and this will be touched on later, for the new couple to try to live on one income. This will allow them to start practices of saving, pay off any debt quickly, and the flexibility that when children come later, either the husband or wife can move into the role of primary caregiver for the kids and there is little financial hardship. The traditional role is that of the husband working full time and the wife being the homemaker, but in today’s culture, those are not the only options and gender roles have more fluid. This can be a point of contention so it important to discuss with the couple what they feel their roles should or can be. There are also some other questions that can help the new couple navigate merging their friends, social lives, and hobbies together. Being married does not necessarily mean they need to do every social activity, every hobby together. It is important to have some things that they enjoy doing together and some that they do separately.
It is also important to discuss their own faith journeys and where they line up. The spiritual aspect of the couple’s relationship between them is important. It is valuable experiences that during the premarital counseling, the couple can learn to pray together and develop a time of sharing the Word together, to discuss and talk about spiritual things (Wright, 128). One method is also to have the couple complete a regular Bible study together. It has also shown that couples who regularly pray and practice their faith together have a much lower chance of divorce (Wright, 129).
Resources/Homework:
Read the following book:
Wheat, E. and Wheat, G. (2012). Intended for Pleasure. Revell
Session 6: Finances and Sex
Many couples have a tremendous amount of unrealism when thinking about money, budgets and how they will handle their finances. When an individual is on their own, money management is very different then when you get married. You may have a roommate to help offset the costs, you may want to buy a house, eating out an entertainment will look different, will the couple keep their money together or separately. A joint bank account indicates mutual confidence. Both husband and wife working can be a great thing, but not if it leads to fatigue and ends up harming their relationship (Dicks, 113). One thing is clear; a wife should never have to ask a husband for money and vice versa, the money should be separate or shared, but never all in the hands of one spouse (Dicks, 118). Wright gives a humorous example of a couple who budgeted $15 a week for food. They both were living with their parents and their parents bought all the food. A quick trip to the grocery store made them realize how little food $15 bought (Wright 125). This can be a great exercise to ask them to make a list and go grocery shopping for a week’s worth of food for them together so they can both learn about money management, food preparation, and ways to work with that. It is a good thing to go into detail with the budget because so much marital disruption is caused by financial strain (Wright, 126). There is attached a sample budget that can be used. It is essential that the couple fill out the budget and cover every category – medical insurance, clothes, spending money, groceries, etc. It is usually best to have them fill it out quickly and separately. Then the counselor can discuss their answers with them and see where their financial priorities are. This is also where outside resources can come in handy – it can be helpful for new couples, or even others in the church to attend a seminar on finances, savings, budgeting, etc. Maybe this can be offered once a year in the church. Using their answers have the couple work together to see what their financial priorities are – saving, vacations, tithing, etc.
Another important topic in any premarital counseling is to discuss the sexual relationship. This is an important topic whether or not they have previous experience or not. For some couples, they may be very knowledgeable but other couples may go into marriage not knowing anything. One important theme for the couple to understand is that there should not be any anxiety regarding sex. Good communication is essential to a good sexual relationship therefore it is important to discuss previous sexual history or any questions they may have (Worthington, 165). Talk about the honeymoon and offer suggestions. This may also be a time to ask if they have decided regarding birth control.
As this is the last session, this is usually when the pastor discusses the ceremony details. Go over the order of service with the couple and plan it out so everyone is ready for the ceremony.
Resources/Homework: Give them a list of financial resources to help them budget – Mint, You Need a Budget, etc.
Additional Resources
The premarital counseling may be terminated by the wedding date, but there many other resources and help that a pastor and church can offer the couple starting their lives together. Churches can utilize the talents and members of the congregation in offering additional resources to help young couples within the congregation. Maybe different members, who are knowledgeable in these areas, can offer classes with topics such as insurance, house buying, health, retirement savings on a yearly or biyearly schedule as a way to help the couples.
Many counselors also agree that one or two follow-up counseling sessions are very beneficial to the couple in addressing some of the issues they have faced in the first 6 months of marriage. These sessions could be with the pastor, the mentor couple, or one meeting with each if needed. If there has been no major problems since the marriage, the post-marital session can examine their communication habits since marriage and other topics such as companionship, sexual adjustment, and affection (Dicks, 134).
One of the most important events in a person’s life is their wedding and getting married. The statistics show that in the United States as many as 90% of the population will get married by age 50 (APA website, 2017). In many cultures it is seen as a rite of passage into adulthood and an important milestone in the individual’s life. Usually, the wedding is the focus of the couple. It is the main event and where the couple focuses all their time, money, and attention rather than preparing for their marriage. They spend their time and energy focusing on the wedding which takes only an hour or two of their life, while foregoing any preparation for, hopefully, a lifetime of marriage. Today unfortunately, marriage is usually not a lifetime commitment in the United States any more with 40% to 50% of marriages in the United States ending in divorce. The rate of divorce of those getting married for the second time is even higher. And even among the remaining 50-60% of couples who stay married, it is not always a healthy relationship. Marriage is a big adjustment for any couple and it takes time and effort to learn to live with, appreciate and communicate with one’s spouse. It requires personal maturity and intelligence and lots of patience (Mace, 20). But the reward of a healthy marriage is immeasurable. Healthy marriages are good for couples’ mental and physical health, for children and family as growing up in a happy home help to protect children from mental, physical, educational and social problems. (APA website, 2017). One of the ways that pastors and counselors can help healthy marriages become established is through the practice of premarital counseling. Premarital counseling allows the couple, with the help of a pastor or counselor, to learn, gain advice, and work on some of the differences and challenges that they may face as their marriage begins. Unfortunately, not pursuing premarital counseling can increase the event of the marriage going through lots of trauma and failure in divorce. Premarital counseling can help couples to learn early on many of the factors and problems that lead to divorce and how to prevent them (Mace, 8). One of the main reasons that marriages fail is that the couple is unprepared for the changes and unique aspects of marriage and they don’t get help until it is too late. (Mace, 18).
Approaches to Premarital Counseling
Premarital counseling can be done in a pastoral or professional setting. The majority of premarital counseling is done by the pastor or clergy who is either connected to the couple or officiating the wedding (Worthington, 2). This premarital counseling offered is often required and connected to the services of the pastor officiating the wedding ceremony. For pastors, encouraging and requiring premarital counseling is an important part of their role as shepherd of the congregation. For couples who are members of the church, premarital counseling should be seen as a part of discipleship ministry of the local church (Oates, 4). Premarital counseling will help to build healthy families and marriages within the church, integrate the couple into the life of the church, and build a trusting relationship with the pastor. For couples who may not be apart of the church or even Christians, premarital counseling can be seen as a way of evangelism. Just as with any other counseling session, confidentiality is essential for the trusting relationship (Wright, 40-43).
The Logistics of Premarital Counseling
Much of the research regarding premarital counseling agree that five to six one hour sessions are enough to cover the main topics and provide a good basis for preparing a couple for marriage (Methodist manual, 22). That seems to be sufficient time for the counselor and couple to develop a relationship and be able to discuss the most important topics. This amounts to about 6 hours of actually counseling face-to-face time, but there will be additional time required of the couple in the form of homework between sessions. For this reason, it is advisable for the couples to start premarital counseling early in the engagement period or even before the engagement period. The closer time period to the wedding, the more time commitments for the couple and they will be more stressed and busy.
It is also advisable in the case of the pastor conducting the premarital counseling to add additional help in advising the couple. This can happen in the form of a mentor couple, usually an older couple in the congregation that can partner with the pastor in counseling while at the same time developing a relationship with the young couple. The mentor couple can be an additional source of support and wisdom for the young couple as they start their married life.
It is also a great idea for the pastor to use the resources and professionals within his congregation to offer classes available for the marrying couples and whole congregation. Some of the classes offered could be on financial planning, insurance, retirement, psychology and other important topics in which there is not time to fully cover in the course of premarital counseling (Oates, 36).
Seeing as premarital counseling is confidential and private, the setting of the counseling sessions should occur somewhere where the pastor and couple have privacy. It could be in the pastor’s house, office, or a room at the church if needed. The setting should be comfortable and inviting so that the couple feels at home and encourages them to be open and communicative. There is also the question of cost. It requires a good amount of time and preparation for the pastor to be involved in premarital counseling. There are also the materials, which either the church can provide, or it can be the couple’s responsibility to procure them. The most common method is to include the costs of the premarital counseling with the general usage fee for the couple that is marrying at the church as well. If the couple is not using the church facilities as well, then there can be a separate fee for the premarital counseling. The pastor should let the couple know he considers it a privilege to be assisting the couple (Methodist manual, 50).
Special Cases and Considerations
There are some special cases where the following method of premarital counseling might need to be altered or changed. In cases of remarriage due to either divorce or death of a spouse, there will be additional topics and challenges that the counselor might need to address with the couple. There could be guilt, grief, and other emotional problems still affecting one or both individuals that need to be worked out before the wedding. Statistically, the chance of divorce is even greater if one or both of the spouses has been married before and therefore it is just as essential to help the couple understand and heal from the effects of the previous marriages before starting a new one. If the couple is of different faiths or different cultures there are also additional needs that should be discussed during the premarital counseling. When couple from different cultures joining together, there is a greater chance of miscommunication and problems as each individual is approaching the situation from completely different worldview.
Sample Session and Topics
Session 1: Introduction
This first session is important for both the couple and the counselor to engage in a relationship and to start the counseling process. The counselor should go over a simple outline of what this first session and the next 5 should cover in terms of topics, times, location, and any homework or other assignments. The counselor and clients should take time to introduce themselves. While the pre-marital counseling process is different from a normal counseling process because you are not starting with a presenting problem to solve, there are still some skills and techniques that are carryover. This first session is important for the counselor to be attending to the couple and listening to them tell their story. Many of the counselors have the couple’s personal and family history to be discussed later on the a different session, but it really should be one of the first topics discussed. Attending and listening to the clients is one of the most important parts of counseling and so it is right that those two stages should be at the forefront of the premarital counseling process. Having the couple share their own stories and talk about their relationship with help to develop a trusting relationship with the counselor and also help the counselor to gain essential feedback about them and their lives. In listening to their words, the counselor can pick up on some of the issues or gain insight into what topics might really need to be discussed later on the sessions.
At the end of the session, the counselor needs to go over the homework for the next session. The next session will cover the purpose of marriage but also start discussing the couple’s personality and temperament. The homework then is for the couple to complete the personality assessment or temperament exam (whichever is chosen) so the counselor can look over them and score them and be ready to discuss them at the next session.
Resources/Homework: The next session will cover the purpose of marriage but also start discussing the couple’s personality and temperament. The homework then is for the couple to complete the personality assessment or temperament exam (there is a number of exams that can be chosen – Myers-Briggs, IPat, or others) so the counselor can look over them and score them and be ready to discuss them at the next session.
Session 2: Defining Marriage and Personality
The second session should start with more of teaching than counseling session, as the counselor should go over a definition of marriage from a biblical and societal standpoint. After that, the counselor should go over the personality results with the couple. Let them see and read the results if they have not already done so. Discuss the results, are there any results that they feel are not true or does the answer line up with how they view themselves. Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of the personalities and also how they will be together. What are some areas for potential problems, disagreements or misunderstandings there might be. It is important to discuss how the couple is alike and how they are different (Wright, 98). As discussed in the previous session, sometimes during premarital counseling, this is where the couple (or counselor) may realize that they are not really suited for each other or they might start thinking about delaying or ending the engagement. This can be tricky to navigate for the counselor and it must be handled delicately and with great discernment. The focus those should not only be on potential trouble areas, and the counselor should be quick to highlight areas where the couple complements each other personalities and areas where they might work well together. An important part of premarital counseling is not to give the couple a grim view of their future married life, but also to give them hope and ideas of how they will build their lives and how God can use their marriage to honor him.
Resources/Homework: The next week’s topic will be on communication and the couple should be encouraged to read the following book before the next session:
Wright, H. N. (2012). Communication: The Key to Marriage. Minneapolis: Bethany
Session 3: Communication
Communication is a critical topic for any couple (Wright, 114). One helpful technique for the counselor is to ask the couple to discuss a controversial topic or a subject they haven’t discussed so that the counselor can see first hand how they communicate. This can allow the counselor to help the couple learn how to resolve an argument or how to avoid misunderstanding by communicating more clearly. This conversation can also be recorded so that they can listen to it and allow everyone to comment. It can be helpful for people to listen to how they argue or talk. They may not realize how they come across to others. An important part of communication is the ability to really listen. The counselor can do some exercises that really force the couple to listen to each other and really hear what the other person is saying. A couple may have great communication, but that can be because they only communicate regarding surface level topics. Part of marriage and therefore premarital counseling is to get the couple to talk about items that they have not wanted to talk about, but really need to discuss (Wrights, 115). It is also good to discuss how people perceive their conflict-management skills and how they actually argue and resolve differences sometimes bear little resemblance to each other (Worthington, 172). Here are some questions that can be asked to help the couple realize their communication habits. What subjects have you talked about? Be specific as possible, listing the subjects in the order of their importance? Who does the most talking when you are alone? What do you do to let your fiancé know that you are angry? What kind of disagreements have you had? What have you done to resolve tour differences?
Resources/Homework: The next session will be covering family relationships. One thing the counselor might want to do is have the in-laws write a letter welcoming the new spouse into the family. These can be done before the next session.
Session 4: Family Relationships
One of the biggest changes that happens in marriage is the joining, not only of the couple, but the extended families. This can be a peaceful transition and a source of support for the new couple, or in it can be an added stress. It is important to explore a couple’s feeling about and relationships with both sets of parents (Wright, 111). The counselor should be asking questions and exploring what the each individual feels in relation to their own parents and their in-laws. A healthy couple will be able to leave their parents and join with their spouse while not alienating either party. In-laws do not have to be a source of contention, they can be an excellent support system for the new couple or growing family (Wright, 112). Look for the good points in the in-laws, respect them, be involved and interested in their life. It takes two people to create an in-law problem, no person solely has the blame. In some cases, the in-laws will seem like family from the very beginning, but in most cases it is a gradual process. Remember that they have been a family for a long time and it can take a while to fully join in and feel a part of their family. At the same time, in-laws should not interfere in the marriage and should take a hands-off approach unless invited (Dicks, 120).
It is also good to talk with the couple about what their ideas are regarding children. With most couples, the desire for children is there, whether right away or waiting a few years. It is good for couples to wait to have children to allow themselves to bond and build a solid relationship before the children come. Children should come into the relationship as a result of love and symbolize the couple’s affection (Dicks, 121). There is one thing important to the future well-being of a child and that is the emotional health of the parents. (Dicks, 123). Many couples who do want to have kids find themselves unable to have children. This is a stress for any marriage, and while it is not necessarily a topic for premarital counseling, it is something the couple should feel free to come to the pastor if it does become a stress. Here are some questions to help the couple reflect on what their priorities are regarding family: Do you believe in birth control and if so, what methods have you chosen? Are you planning to have children? How many would you like to have? When would you like to have them? How should the husband be involved in raising the kids? How should the wife be involved in raising the kids? I want to teach my kids these five values.
Resources/Homework: Here are some questions to give to the couple to answer before the next session. Describe your parent’s relationship¿ Who was the leader? Who managed the money, what did they do with the money? What three qualities in your parent’s marriage would you like to duplicate in your marriage? List in order of importance and time priority five goals that you are seeking to reach in your lifetime. Would you characterize yourself as a Christian? Why or why not? Describe a time when you felt very close to God? Describe a time when you felt very far from God? Describe where you are in your relationship to God now? Do you see any areas of conflict on spiritual issues with your fiancé? Describe their level of spiritual commitment.
Session 5: Lifestyle and Faith
Marriage is about joining two different individuals, each with their own hobbies, employment, dreams, and lifestyles. It can be hard to merge the two separate lives together at times. An essential topic to discuss is in regards to employment and assigned roles within their new household. It is usually advisable, and this will be touched on later, for the new couple to try to live on one income. This will allow them to start practices of saving, pay off any debt quickly, and the flexibility that when children come later, either the husband or wife can move into the role of primary caregiver for the kids and there is little financial hardship. The traditional role is that of the husband working full time and the wife being the homemaker, but in today’s culture, those are not the only options and gender roles have more fluid. This can be a point of contention so it important to discuss with the couple what they feel their roles should or can be. There are also some other questions that can help the new couple navigate merging their friends, social lives, and hobbies together. Being married does not necessarily mean they need to do every social activity, every hobby together. It is important to have some things that they enjoy doing together and some that they do separately.
It is also important to discuss their own faith journeys and where they line up. The spiritual aspect of the couple’s relationship between them is important. It is valuable experiences that during the premarital counseling, the couple can learn to pray together and develop a time of sharing the Word together, to discuss and talk about spiritual things (Wright, 128). One method is also to have the couple complete a regular Bible study together. It has also shown that couples who regularly pray and practice their faith together have a much lower chance of divorce (Wright, 129).
Resources/Homework:
Read the following book:
Wheat, E. and Wheat, G. (2012). Intended for Pleasure. Revell
Session 6: Finances and Sex
Many couples have a tremendous amount of unrealism when thinking about money, budgets and how they will handle their finances. When an individual is on their own, money management is very different then when you get married. You may have a roommate to help offset the costs, you may want to buy a house, eating out an entertainment will look different, will the couple keep their money together or separately. A joint bank account indicates mutual confidence. Both husband and wife working can be a great thing, but not if it leads to fatigue and ends up harming their relationship (Dicks, 113). One thing is clear; a wife should never have to ask a husband for money and vice versa, the money should be separate or shared, but never all in the hands of one spouse (Dicks, 118). Wright gives a humorous example of a couple who budgeted $15 a week for food. They both were living with their parents and their parents bought all the food. A quick trip to the grocery store made them realize how little food $15 bought (Wright 125). This can be a great exercise to ask them to make a list and go grocery shopping for a week’s worth of food for them together so they can both learn about money management, food preparation, and ways to work with that. It is a good thing to go into detail with the budget because so much marital disruption is caused by financial strain (Wright, 126). There is attached a sample budget that can be used. It is essential that the couple fill out the budget and cover every category – medical insurance, clothes, spending money, groceries, etc. It is usually best to have them fill it out quickly and separately. Then the counselor can discuss their answers with them and see where their financial priorities are. This is also where outside resources can come in handy – it can be helpful for new couples, or even others in the church to attend a seminar on finances, savings, budgeting, etc. Maybe this can be offered once a year in the church. Using their answers have the couple work together to see what their financial priorities are – saving, vacations, tithing, etc.
Another important topic in any premarital counseling is to discuss the sexual relationship. This is an important topic whether or not they have previous experience or not. For some couples, they may be very knowledgeable but other couples may go into marriage not knowing anything. One important theme for the couple to understand is that there should not be any anxiety regarding sex. Good communication is essential to a good sexual relationship therefore it is important to discuss previous sexual history or any questions they may have (Worthington, 165). Talk about the honeymoon and offer suggestions. This may also be a time to ask if they have decided regarding birth control.
As this is the last session, this is usually when the pastor discusses the ceremony details. Go over the order of service with the couple and plan it out so everyone is ready for the ceremony.
Resources/Homework: Give them a list of financial resources to help them budget – Mint, You Need a Budget, etc.
Additional Resources
The premarital counseling may be terminated by the wedding date, but there many other resources and help that a pastor and church can offer the couple starting their lives together. Churches can utilize the talents and members of the congregation in offering additional resources to help young couples within the congregation. Maybe different members, who are knowledgeable in these areas, can offer classes with topics such as insurance, house buying, health, retirement savings on a yearly or biyearly schedule as a way to help the couples.
Many counselors also agree that one or two follow-up counseling sessions are very beneficial to the couple in addressing some of the issues they have faced in the first 6 months of marriage. These sessions could be with the pastor, the mentor couple, or one meeting with each if needed. If there has been no major problems since the marriage, the post-marital session can examine their communication habits since marriage and other topics such as companionship, sexual adjustment, and affection (Dicks, 134).
Resources
101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged
This book, by H. Norman Wright, exposes couples to the issues surrounding marriage that create challenges. It provides advice on how to navigate through these challenges.
This book, by H. Norman Wright, exposes couples to the issues surrounding marriage that create challenges. It provides advice on how to navigate through these challenges.
The Premarital Counseling Handbook
By H. Normal Wright. This handbook helps pastors engage in effective premarital counseling. With sections on interracial marriages, second marriages, and even marriages between people from dysfunctional families.
By H. Normal Wright. This handbook helps pastors engage in effective premarital counseling. With sections on interracial marriages, second marriages, and even marriages between people from dysfunctional families.
Getting Ready for Marriage Workbook
By Jim Burns and Doug Fields is a fill-in-the-blank workbook designed to be utilized during pre-marital counseling sessions. It has nine chapters and covers topics such as in-laws, communication, conflict resolution, and others.
By Jim Burns and Doug Fields is a fill-in-the-blank workbook designed to be utilized during pre-marital counseling sessions. It has nine chapters and covers topics such as in-laws, communication, conflict resolution, and others.
Counsel for the Nearly and Newly Married
From LifeWay Press, this eight-session series covers topics such as intimacy, growth, self-esteem, and others.
From LifeWay Press, this eight-session series covers topics such as intimacy, growth, self-esteem, and others.
Christian Premarital Counseling: Preparing the Two to Become One
This excellent resource, by Paul J. Bucknell, covers several aspects of premarital counseling dynamics. It's a little dated but still makes the cut as an excellent recommendation.
This excellent resource, by Paul J. Bucknell, covers several aspects of premarital counseling dynamics. It's a little dated but still makes the cut as an excellent recommendation.
Catching Foxes: A Gospel-Guided Journey to Marriage, A Resource for Premarital Counseling
Written by John Henderson, this is a study for individual couples or small/large groups. It provides a Scriptural model for premarital counseling.
Written by John Henderson, this is a study for individual couples or small/large groups. It provides a Scriptural model for premarital counseling.