Sibling Rivalry
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15 Ways to Manage Sibling Rivalry
What you should do about sibling rivalry
Sibling rivalry is found everywhere in nature. For example: baby sharks will ingest one another in utero until the last and largest one is left standing. Baby birds may toss siblings out of the nest to ensure their food supply. And, we are all familiar with Darwing's survival of the fittest as a natural struggle for food and other resources that are necessary to survival — not only of the individual, but the entire species.
The same is true in the human family. In my years as a researcher and educator, with a Ph.D. in Psychology and Doctorate of Education, I’ve witnessed sibling rivalry at different levels. The following is a common scenario that I have seen happen in many families.
Your first child receives 100 percent of what you have to give, and in the best of all possible worlds that means a lot of love and attention. Therefore, your child has the best chance for bonding, nurturing and having his/her needs met. Then suddenly, without your firstborn’s choice, knowledge or input, a stranger — the new sibling — is introduced into his/her world. Not only is this new person requiring a lot of time and attention, but also has seemingly replaced him/her as the center of Mom and Dad’s universe.
At first, the new baby on board is a novelty, and your older child may even enjoy some of the busy activities going on, especially if he or she is included. But soon enough, your older child may begin to tire of the novelty and will want his or her place back as the sole recipient of Mom and Dad’s attention. However, that is not going to happen. Not only that, but your child soon realizes that his or her place is gone... forever.
A nagging thought sits on the edge of the older child’s consciousness: Maybe this new baby is loved the best.
Now this is where things begin to heat up and the first sibling, out of frustration, may become duplicitous as he or she tries to sabotage and even injure your new baby. A pinch or slap, when no one is looking; hiding your younger child’s toys; or even overt expressions of anger, such as, “I don’t want or like this new baby and I want you to send it back,” are only a few examples of how difficult it can get.
The first sibling may become aggressive in general, even when your new baby is not around; or regress into more childish and needy behavior, all in an effort to reclaim his or her rightful and now lost place. This competition, if left without remediation, has the potential to sow the seeds for a lifetime of negative patterns. Then, if another child is born into the family, the resources of Mom and Dad’s time and attention in relation to nurturing, bonding, and meeting children’s needs are cut no longer in half but, if they’re lucky, in thirds.
And so it goes, until by the time your last child is born, the competition for goods and services is very scarce indeed.
To further complicate things, young children are in concrete operations, meaning they are both egocentric and unable to process their emotions critically. Therefore, when they are emotionally upset, they strike out reactively instead of thinking about things and choosing the best proactive course of action.
Furthermore, their understanding of the here and now is concrete and they don’t really understand the difference between a city, a state, a universe... or life and death. They are magical in their thinking and can believe that what is killed today will rise up tomorrow. Along with this, since the brain is still forming, your children might develop patterns based on these early frustrations that could stay with them for a lifetime and influence the way they think and feel about a brother or sister for the rest of their lives, as well as influence other significant relationships.
Sibling rivalry is so powerful that it may even affect the roles that we take in a family and the careers we choose for ourselves in the adult world. For example, due to competition with our siblings, what we pick for our life’s passion may be in direct opposition of our brothers’ and sisters’ choices.
So what can parents do about it?
Here are some suggestions I have shared with parents over the years to help ease and manage sibling rivalry between children.
1. Space your children, if possible, three years apart. This gives one child enough time to leave your knee, as he or she reaches for independence, which is the best time to put another child on your knee.
2. Even though there are times in all of our lives when one child is easier than the other, or that we see something of ourselves or our mate in one child or the other, discipline yourself not to show any signs of outward favoritism.
3. Parents must parent. This means to step into your adult self and even override exhaustion to give each child some private time with Mom and Dad.
4. Keep your child in the loop. Explain to your child when a new child is about to be born, and invest them in the process of how to welcome the new baby and care for it.
5. Make your older child your ally. With a wink and a nod, this child can help you shop, choose toys and even help select special foods for your new baby. If you bring your older child into the process, he or she will be more likely to participate with good will.
6. Never make one child responsible for the other. No babysitting.
7. Never make your children share their toys. I can hear the ooh’s and ah’s out there, but what belongs to your children is their possession and only if it is their choice to share it should it be brought into a common area.
8. Never discount, demean or embarrass your older children. Never tell them to be a big girl or boy, to act grown-upor to be understanding. They are children and they have feelings too. Instead, confirm their feelings with sentences such as, “of course you feel this way, I understand completely.” Empathy goes a long way towards cooperation.
9. Never compare your children, their grades, their behavior or the way they look. No competition, ever. No family games where one can win and one can lose. This is a family and not a sports arena, and children should be raised in collaboration not competition. Never tell one child you love that child better than the other because they are behaving better. This is a form of splitting that can turn one child against the other forever.
10. Never tell one child to do things the same way the other one does.
11. Never discuss one child with the other. You don’t like it when someone talks behind your back; follow the same courteous behavior with your children.
12. Don’t manipulate. Manipulation is humiliation and makes your children feel undervalued and they will not trust you, themselves or others if you diminish their self-esteem.
13. Be fair. This is one of the most essential rules. Your child is watching you and is very cognizant of even-handedness, which, in his/her mind, translates to being loved equally.
14. Practice and rehearse communication through listening. Let your children tell you how they feel. If you listen with empathy, they will tell you everything, and together you can find ways to problem solve. Invest your children in the process.
15. Finally, be prepared. When holidays, birthdays and family gatherings occur, think ahead and find ways as a family to come up with some rules, a plan that can help nip in the bud any of the regular stressful patterns with which you as a family are familiar and can handle with love.
What you should do about sibling rivalry
Sibling rivalry is found everywhere in nature. For example: baby sharks will ingest one another in utero until the last and largest one is left standing. Baby birds may toss siblings out of the nest to ensure their food supply. And, we are all familiar with Darwing's survival of the fittest as a natural struggle for food and other resources that are necessary to survival — not only of the individual, but the entire species.
The same is true in the human family. In my years as a researcher and educator, with a Ph.D. in Psychology and Doctorate of Education, I’ve witnessed sibling rivalry at different levels. The following is a common scenario that I have seen happen in many families.
Your first child receives 100 percent of what you have to give, and in the best of all possible worlds that means a lot of love and attention. Therefore, your child has the best chance for bonding, nurturing and having his/her needs met. Then suddenly, without your firstborn’s choice, knowledge or input, a stranger — the new sibling — is introduced into his/her world. Not only is this new person requiring a lot of time and attention, but also has seemingly replaced him/her as the center of Mom and Dad’s universe.
At first, the new baby on board is a novelty, and your older child may even enjoy some of the busy activities going on, especially if he or she is included. But soon enough, your older child may begin to tire of the novelty and will want his or her place back as the sole recipient of Mom and Dad’s attention. However, that is not going to happen. Not only that, but your child soon realizes that his or her place is gone... forever.
A nagging thought sits on the edge of the older child’s consciousness: Maybe this new baby is loved the best.
Now this is where things begin to heat up and the first sibling, out of frustration, may become duplicitous as he or she tries to sabotage and even injure your new baby. A pinch or slap, when no one is looking; hiding your younger child’s toys; or even overt expressions of anger, such as, “I don’t want or like this new baby and I want you to send it back,” are only a few examples of how difficult it can get.
The first sibling may become aggressive in general, even when your new baby is not around; or regress into more childish and needy behavior, all in an effort to reclaim his or her rightful and now lost place. This competition, if left without remediation, has the potential to sow the seeds for a lifetime of negative patterns. Then, if another child is born into the family, the resources of Mom and Dad’s time and attention in relation to nurturing, bonding, and meeting children’s needs are cut no longer in half but, if they’re lucky, in thirds.
And so it goes, until by the time your last child is born, the competition for goods and services is very scarce indeed.
To further complicate things, young children are in concrete operations, meaning they are both egocentric and unable to process their emotions critically. Therefore, when they are emotionally upset, they strike out reactively instead of thinking about things and choosing the best proactive course of action.
Furthermore, their understanding of the here and now is concrete and they don’t really understand the difference between a city, a state, a universe... or life and death. They are magical in their thinking and can believe that what is killed today will rise up tomorrow. Along with this, since the brain is still forming, your children might develop patterns based on these early frustrations that could stay with them for a lifetime and influence the way they think and feel about a brother or sister for the rest of their lives, as well as influence other significant relationships.
Sibling rivalry is so powerful that it may even affect the roles that we take in a family and the careers we choose for ourselves in the adult world. For example, due to competition with our siblings, what we pick for our life’s passion may be in direct opposition of our brothers’ and sisters’ choices.
So what can parents do about it?
Here are some suggestions I have shared with parents over the years to help ease and manage sibling rivalry between children.
1. Space your children, if possible, three years apart. This gives one child enough time to leave your knee, as he or she reaches for independence, which is the best time to put another child on your knee.
2. Even though there are times in all of our lives when one child is easier than the other, or that we see something of ourselves or our mate in one child or the other, discipline yourself not to show any signs of outward favoritism.
3. Parents must parent. This means to step into your adult self and even override exhaustion to give each child some private time with Mom and Dad.
4. Keep your child in the loop. Explain to your child when a new child is about to be born, and invest them in the process of how to welcome the new baby and care for it.
5. Make your older child your ally. With a wink and a nod, this child can help you shop, choose toys and even help select special foods for your new baby. If you bring your older child into the process, he or she will be more likely to participate with good will.
6. Never make one child responsible for the other. No babysitting.
7. Never make your children share their toys. I can hear the ooh’s and ah’s out there, but what belongs to your children is their possession and only if it is their choice to share it should it be brought into a common area.
8. Never discount, demean or embarrass your older children. Never tell them to be a big girl or boy, to act grown-upor to be understanding. They are children and they have feelings too. Instead, confirm their feelings with sentences such as, “of course you feel this way, I understand completely.” Empathy goes a long way towards cooperation.
9. Never compare your children, their grades, their behavior or the way they look. No competition, ever. No family games where one can win and one can lose. This is a family and not a sports arena, and children should be raised in collaboration not competition. Never tell one child you love that child better than the other because they are behaving better. This is a form of splitting that can turn one child against the other forever.
10. Never tell one child to do things the same way the other one does.
11. Never discuss one child with the other. You don’t like it when someone talks behind your back; follow the same courteous behavior with your children.
12. Don’t manipulate. Manipulation is humiliation and makes your children feel undervalued and they will not trust you, themselves or others if you diminish their self-esteem.
13. Be fair. This is one of the most essential rules. Your child is watching you and is very cognizant of even-handedness, which, in his/her mind, translates to being loved equally.
14. Practice and rehearse communication through listening. Let your children tell you how they feel. If you listen with empathy, they will tell you everything, and together you can find ways to problem solve. Invest your children in the process.
15. Finally, be prepared. When holidays, birthdays and family gatherings occur, think ahead and find ways as a family to come up with some rules, a plan that can help nip in the bud any of the regular stressful patterns with which you as a family are familiar and can handle with love.
Sibling rivalry: How to squash the squabbling
Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up in a family. Most sibling rivalry stems from children's competition to gain their parents' attention. Fortunately there are some simple ways to help them learn to cope with conflict in healthy ways.
Sibling rivalry is a tale as old as time. Remember Cain and Abel? Even Wally and the Beav had their moments. Honestly, if it weren’t for some good old-fashioned brother vs. sister warfare, the Brady Bunch would have run out of material long before five seasons aired.
While we can take some comfort in the fact that sibling conflict is normal and healthy, many parents still end up frustrated with what can feel like endless bickering between children. Fortunately, most sibling rivalry is rooted in a primitive competition for parental attention. That’s good news. It means there is a lot that parents can do to help diffuse these squabbles. Like many of our challenges as parents, sibling rivalry presents an awesome playground where we can observe and work with our children to help mold their character. Here are a few simple techniques we can use to bring peace to the household.
Celebrate differences: We may go to great lengths to keep things equal and fair between our kids, but experts say we may be putting our energy in the wrong place. Dr. Kevin Leman, psychologist and author of "Have a New Kid by Friday," suggests that parents can actually do a lot of good by focusing on the kids’ unique qualities rather than making sure everything is identical for them. “Look for ways you can emphasize differences within your family. Where one is weak, another is strong. Even little things matter,” says Dr. Leman. Girls and boys are different. There are privileges and responsibilities older kids have that younger ones won’t. Some kids’ personalities are prone to be better at certain tasks than others. Pointing out areas where each kid excels will not only make him less competitive, but will boost his self-esteem.
Check yourself in the hustle and bustle of everyday life: We often make choices throughout the day without awareness that we’re being selective. Make sure you don’t unconsciously play favorites by showing preference for one child over another. One child may be going through a phase that particularly challenges your patience. It may require extra effort to spend equal time and affection on your kids. Be willing to take the time to listen to your children and see how your view of your relationship with them lines up with how they see it. They will be much less inclined to get angry with each other when they don’t feel as though one is being given preferential treatment.
Prioritize family time: If this means eliminating some extracurricular activities, then do it. Show your children affection. Studies show that children’s perceptions of their parents’ warmth played a large factor in sibling rivalry. Spending time together also gives you the opportunity to teach your kids to think about their siblings more so than themselves. Jim Bob Duggard, father of 19 children says, “We try to get our children, each one in our family, to serve each other. When a child realizes that the world does not revolve around him, that we are in this world to actually serve others and serve God, that creates a whole new level of maturity."
Lead by example: Don’t shy away from conflict with your spouse or other family members when your kids are around. Allow your children to see that disagreements are normal, and there are healthy ways to work through them. Here is an excellent place to show your kids the power of forgiveness in practical living. It’s great practice for us, too.
Be a coach, not a referee: Let them work out their differences as much as possible. “Be a coach, not a referee,” says Dr. Laurie Kramer, University of Illinois psychologist who has done multiple studies on sibling conflict. “Encourage them to approach every conflict as a problem with a solution.” You’ll begin to overhear your kids listening to each other and working toward a better understanding.
Staying consistent with these suggestions will certainly help you achieve results in decreasing conflict between the siblings in your home. In time, you’ll be much more likely to be listening to more mature, loving conversation rather than a constant nagging at each other, which is sure to make you smile.
Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up in a family. Most sibling rivalry stems from children's competition to gain their parents' attention. Fortunately there are some simple ways to help them learn to cope with conflict in healthy ways.
Sibling rivalry is a tale as old as time. Remember Cain and Abel? Even Wally and the Beav had their moments. Honestly, if it weren’t for some good old-fashioned brother vs. sister warfare, the Brady Bunch would have run out of material long before five seasons aired.
While we can take some comfort in the fact that sibling conflict is normal and healthy, many parents still end up frustrated with what can feel like endless bickering between children. Fortunately, most sibling rivalry is rooted in a primitive competition for parental attention. That’s good news. It means there is a lot that parents can do to help diffuse these squabbles. Like many of our challenges as parents, sibling rivalry presents an awesome playground where we can observe and work with our children to help mold their character. Here are a few simple techniques we can use to bring peace to the household.
Celebrate differences: We may go to great lengths to keep things equal and fair between our kids, but experts say we may be putting our energy in the wrong place. Dr. Kevin Leman, psychologist and author of "Have a New Kid by Friday," suggests that parents can actually do a lot of good by focusing on the kids’ unique qualities rather than making sure everything is identical for them. “Look for ways you can emphasize differences within your family. Where one is weak, another is strong. Even little things matter,” says Dr. Leman. Girls and boys are different. There are privileges and responsibilities older kids have that younger ones won’t. Some kids’ personalities are prone to be better at certain tasks than others. Pointing out areas where each kid excels will not only make him less competitive, but will boost his self-esteem.
Check yourself in the hustle and bustle of everyday life: We often make choices throughout the day without awareness that we’re being selective. Make sure you don’t unconsciously play favorites by showing preference for one child over another. One child may be going through a phase that particularly challenges your patience. It may require extra effort to spend equal time and affection on your kids. Be willing to take the time to listen to your children and see how your view of your relationship with them lines up with how they see it. They will be much less inclined to get angry with each other when they don’t feel as though one is being given preferential treatment.
Prioritize family time: If this means eliminating some extracurricular activities, then do it. Show your children affection. Studies show that children’s perceptions of their parents’ warmth played a large factor in sibling rivalry. Spending time together also gives you the opportunity to teach your kids to think about their siblings more so than themselves. Jim Bob Duggard, father of 19 children says, “We try to get our children, each one in our family, to serve each other. When a child realizes that the world does not revolve around him, that we are in this world to actually serve others and serve God, that creates a whole new level of maturity."
Lead by example: Don’t shy away from conflict with your spouse or other family members when your kids are around. Allow your children to see that disagreements are normal, and there are healthy ways to work through them. Here is an excellent place to show your kids the power of forgiveness in practical living. It’s great practice for us, too.
Be a coach, not a referee: Let them work out their differences as much as possible. “Be a coach, not a referee,” says Dr. Laurie Kramer, University of Illinois psychologist who has done multiple studies on sibling conflict. “Encourage them to approach every conflict as a problem with a solution.” You’ll begin to overhear your kids listening to each other and working toward a better understanding.
Staying consistent with these suggestions will certainly help you achieve results in decreasing conflict between the siblings in your home. In time, you’ll be much more likely to be listening to more mature, loving conversation rather than a constant nagging at each other, which is sure to make you smile.
In this book, Dr. Kevin Leman discusses why one of your children seems to love school but the other child is the class clown. He also explains why your sister is so organized but you can’t find anything? Dr. Leman will answer these questions and offer readers a fascinating look at how birth order affects personality, marriage, and relationships, parenting style, career, and children. Whether at home or on the job, birth order powerfully influences the way people interact with others.
Birth Order |
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